This was what I used to think. I always thought that their actions, reactions, and motivations were lunacy.
Women are illogical.
I’d see attractive women dating unattractive guys or pretty girls with “rig pigs.” Everywhere I looked I could find smart women dating dimwitted muscle heads, or women chasing cocky a**holes. I’ve had many female friends go back to exboyfriend’s who had cheated and I’ve met amazingly passionate married women who refused to leave their abusive relationships.
It all seemed so very illogical.
I can still remember thinking:
- If I like a girl I’ll tell her.
- If I like a girl I’ll treat her with kitten gloves, consideration, and mindfulness.
- If I like a girl I’ll bring her gifts, buy her dinners, and shower her with compliments.
- If I lose weight and dress well then women will like me.
- If she just understood how much I like her she’d finally see how great I am!
And yet girls would avoid me, reject my advances, or wouldn’t call me back.
My accumulation of female insights have come from my mom, my sisters, and the endless movies and television I’ve watched.
I was misinformed.
I mistakenly believed that:
- Women want the nice guy over the super jock.
- Women don’t want to play games.
- Women like compliments.
- Women should be put on pedestals, praised and adored.
- Women are precious and sensitive, and should be handled with kitten gloves.
- Men need to work and earn a highly attractive woman’s attention and affection.
Yet what they were SAYING and what they were DOING seemed to be complete opposites. Very confusing.
This lead me to make some very wrong assumptions: If a girl says she wants something, and I provide her with it, then in return she’ll want me.
I kinda figured that was how attraction worked. This made sense. It seemed logical. The more she liked me as a person, the more she’d be attracted to me as a man.
I was wrong.
Finally I’ve learned that the problem isn’t with the logic.
My LOGIC wasn’t wrong – women really DO like compliments, nice guys, and being put on pedestals. But what women WANT and what women are ATTRACTED to are two very different things.
One of the problems is that we men think we’re being logical.
We pride ourselves in it. We love puzzles, we love fixing things, and we love completing a project. You can almost smell our pride whenever we ve solved a riddle, provided a solution, or come up with our own insight about the world. This is one of our greatest gifts.
So when our logic starts to fail us, like when women are rejecting us for being too nice, we can become terribly frustrated, deflated, and depressed. I know because I ve experienced these feelings intimately for years.
Our mistake is that when we meet an attractive woman we try to attract her using LOGIC. Either we think we can CONVINCE her to like us or we do LOGICAL things like giving her gifts, bragging about our accomplishments, talking about our successful careers, showing off our abilities to make money, showering her with compliments, or telling her how we feel about her. Yet despite our best efforts she’ll always grow more distant, disinterested, and ultimately repulsed. This seems ILLOGICAL because ultimately our assumptions about attraction are wrong.
What adds to our frustration is seeing other guys getting the girls. Other guys who aren’t nice, who don’t listen, who don’t compliment, and who don’t seem to have anything going for them at all.
Women aren’t puzzles, they’re people.
This is what I’ve discovered: The confusing actions women take and the seemingly illogical dating decisions they make have NOTHING to do with what women PREFER and everything to do with how they FEEL.
Logically women PREFER beefy men with a million dollars in the bank and who are endlessly showering her with gifts, attention and praise but obviously if that’s the only thing women were attracted to then most women would be single.
Instead I challenge you to see the truth.
A woman doesn’t date an a**hole because he’s GREAT LOOKING (or because she’s insane) she dates him because of the way he makes her FEEL.
While we are busy in our own heads THINKING, women are in their own emotional bodies FEELING.
Before I continue to generalize too much I should mention that women think just as much as any guy, and men have just as many feelings as any woman – but in a very general sense men and women operate within their heads and bodies differently. Men tend to spend more time developing their logic processes, while women tend to have a better mastery of their emotional processes. It’s the world of the Feminine and the Masculine.
Ultimately women are JUST like men but they listen more closely to their feelings. Instead of worrying about what a woman THINKS you should be paying attention to how she FEELS. If you can make a woman FEEL something then you’re already heading in a direction that most men aren’t. The next step is to help her FEEL good things and to associate those feelings with you.
The problem is that when you’re spending your time kissing a woman’s ass, buying her gifts, or generally exposing how desperate you are for her attention, you’re having very little effect on her emotional body. If she feels nothing then you’re just another dude trying to impress her. And if she’s particularly attractive she’ll have developed a life-long system of avoiding dudes exactly like you.
Attraction isn’t a choice. (I learned that phrase from dating Guru, David DeAngelo) Women don’t CHOOSE to feel the way they do. This concept is often misunderstood, especially by very smart guys, so pay close attention. When a woman isn’t attracted to you there is NOTHING you can do or say to her that will change that. AND if a woman IS attracted to you then there is nothing her friends or family can say or that will change that. She doesn’t CHOOSE to feel the way she feels. This is powerful.
Women aren’t men. They don’t act and behave based on the same things we do.
The sad truth is, the more you try to use LOGIC to figure out how to “get the girl” the more you’re likely to act in a way that will scare her away.
(This is one reason I named my book Ignore And Score… see above.)
Women may appear illogical, complicated, and impossibly chaotic, but I m here to tell you that there IS reason behind the madness. Women ARE logical, it’s just that they have different fears and expectations than we do. We guys think that women are like us – if they see someone who’s physically beautiful we assume that they’ll automatically be attracted to them like we are. This really isn’t the case. Perhaps this is why there is so much porn for men, but very little for women. Men are so completely visual that it’s hard for us to understand what really attracts women.
A woman falls for a man’s personality and eventually loves his appearance, while a man falls for a woman’s appearance and eventually loves her personality.
Let’s wrap this up.
I love MINDSETS, which are basically a type of belief system, so here are some that you should consider when trying to attract a woman:
OLD MINDSET: It’s very important that you don’t do anything to make her dislike you. If you say something stupid, or if you say something wrong, she’ll automatically become disinterested in you.
NEW MINDSET: Women don’t need to like you to be attracted to you. It doesn’t matter what she thinks about you, only how she feels about you. Her feelings have such an influential force over her decision making that it almost doesn’t matter what she’s thinking, only how she’s feeling. This is specific to dating. Obviously in the long term she’s going to have to like you if she’s going to stick around.
OLD MINDSET: Women only want to date rich guys. Women only want to date men with six-packs and rippling muscles. Women only want to date men with HUGE junk in their pants.
NEW MINDSET: What women prefer and what women respond to are VERY different things. She may prefer a man who’s rich, ripped, or gifted, but she’ll date any guy that she trusts and is attracted to (rich or poor, thin or fat.) I’ll talk about what women are ATTRACTED to in another post.
OLD MINSET: Men need to convince a woman to like him. The dating process is for her to decide if he’s good enough.
NEW MINDSET: Men and women use dating as a tool to discover each other’s passions, charms, histories, and possible romantic connections. The guy needs to challenge her just as much as she needs to challenge him. Dating is like playing tennis together on the same side of the net, instead of against each other on opposite sides of the net.
OLD MINDSET: A woman will only be attracted to you if you pass her qualifications – almost like a checklist. It’s your job to discover her list, and to make sure you match it.
NEW MINDSET: Attraction isn’t a choice (from Attraction Isn’t a Choice by David DeAngelo) Women have no choice who they’re attracted to, just like we have no choice who we’re attracted to.
OLD MINDSET: I should pay close attention to what women say they want so that I know how I should act and behave.
NEW MINDSET: I act and behave according to my own path and moral structure. Besides it’s more important to understand what women ACTUALLY respond to as opposed to what they say they want.
I hope this gets you started in a more positive direction, while letting go of the old logic you may have been tripping over until now. Remember, it’s not important for women to make sense, it only matters what they respond to. As we begin to explore what attraction REALLY is and what women RESPOND to, we’ll come to appreciate women for who they are, instead of being frustrated for who they’re not.