Besides the obvious physical dangers that women face there is another, very misunderstood fear, that you should consider; the fear of social judgment, rejection or embarrassment.
This is no joke.
I think you (yes you specifically) lack an appreciation for a woman’s fear of social judgment just like she has a lack of appreciation for the sensitivity of your balls. Both fears are based upon a deep animal instinct grown from millennia of genetic pruning and fine tuning.
Women instinctively fear the loss of Social Status.
So what exactly do they fear?
Back in the caveman days social status was EVERYTHING. If you became an outcast you were dead. It was that simple. Even today we have this DEEP fear – both men and women.
But women are different then men. Where we men tend to grow up with a disconnect to our feelings we’re able to ignore some of the social judgements that women aren’t.
Just look at the nicknames women have that men don’t: slut, whore, bitch, tramp, easy, loose, frigid, cold-fish, or even virgin. Each judgement is meant to lower her perceived social value. Yet we men don’t have these same judgements, and so we tend to suffer far less inner scrutiny for our social behaviours.
For some reason we judge women differently, and they know it.
Take time to understand a woman s fear of social judgment and you will learn ways to make your interactions with her fun, exciting, memorable, and attractive.
Otherwise you risk stomping all over her feelings without realizing it. That’s a poor way to pick up chicks dude.
It’s all about calibration
I went through high school misunderstanding what social calibration meant, which is why I was mostly single.
Don’t walk in my footsteps. Seriously. No seriously. Or I’ll kill you.
Calibration means knowing what is appropriate in certain situations, and what isn’t. We have names for guys with no social calibration: creepy, geeky, nerdy, and awkward.
If you’re acting like any of these guys she’s going to avoid you in social situations simply because you will “ruin her rep” as they used to say. Basically she doesn’t want to get raped, or embarrassed.
It’s that simple.
Social judgment comes in many forms as well. Most women will never put themselves in a situation that will give other women the opportunity to label her as a “slut.” This means most women will go out of their way to appear very wholesome despite their very real internal lust for sexual adventures and exploration.
You should know that she wants to hookup at the bar as much as you do BUT she will NEVER admit it.
At least not in a social situation where her friends might judge her. This is why bar pickup has certain hurdles – approval of her friends, great rapport with the group, and multiple locations (jumping bar to bar, or bar to restaurant.) This helps her alleviate the fear that her friends will label her slutty, or easy… and it helps alleviate her from judging herself.
If you want a one-night-stand then you must LEAD, because it allows her to blame you when she goes home feeling unsure… she doesn’t want to go home feeling “easy.” Instead she wants to be able to say, “he seduced me.”
Excuses she tells her friends after hooking up with a guy the first might:
– Oh man, I was so drunk last night, I didn t even know what I was doing.
– Ya, he totally seduced me! I didn t even know what was happening!
– Ya, we went back to his place because he wanted to show me this awesome painting he did, and well one thing lead to another
– Well I was on vacation, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
This doesn t mean most women don t want one-night stands, or that most women haven t had them, it just means women want to be very discreet about it. I ve met many women who were very uptight about sex talk and who would actively avoid it in social conversation. But in private they would burst wide open about fantasy talk and sexual adventures.
Realize this: women love sex JUST as much as we do!
This is important because it will help you to NOT take it so personally when she acts all shy about sex in public, around their friends, or even in front of you if you’ve just met. Acting prudish is her social defence. Kinda like a Bitch Shield is a social defence.
On the flip side we men often tie our self esteem to our sexual success too often. This is ALSO a mistake and should be avoided at all costs. Take heed of my words.
It’s nice to feel manly when you’re able to have sex with beautiful women but it’s ridiculous to chase women simply because you’re needing validation and approval. Pay attention to your motivations.
This anxiety of social and personal judgments will often lead a woman to something called Last minute resistance which is when a woman suddenly decides, at the last minute, to not have sex with you. There are many reasons that lead her to this point, and I ll cover that in a later blog post… if you ask nicely.
Pay attention when talking with her.
Be aware of her body language, and those around you. It’s less important what she’s saying, and more important what her body is saying.
1) Is she really paying attention to what you are saying, or is she distracted by everything else? Is she looking at you, or looking around the room.
2) Is she leaning into you, or away from you?
3) Is she touching you, or avoiding you?
4) Is she responding well, by laughing and asking questions, or are her responses brief?
If she’s acting cold then you better notice it, because fumbling your way through a conversation with someone who doesn’t want one, is a great way to tell her that you’re socially retarded.
If you’re not noticing how she responds to your questions and answers then how are you ever going to know if she’s into you or not?
As a rule don’t bother a girl if she’s NOT responding to you. Simply smile, say, “It was nice to meet you” and walk away. This way other women watching don’t see you burn out and decide not to talk to you as well. Instead they recognize that you have good calibration and social awareness.
This includes chatting with girls through Facebook or Myspace. Men who aren’t calibrated will shower a woman’s profile with idiot comments, stories, and praise, but will not notice how she DOESN’T reciprocate. These guys seem needy and uncalibrated. Don’t be these guys!
Watch other guys
The best way to learn calibration is to watch other guys who are GREAT with women, and who are GREAT with everyone! A man who can hold a group of people captive through his words can be a great mentor. Find one and pay attention. Learn. Copy. Mimic. What ever it takes.
Notice how jocks in high school do well with women? It’s not just because they’re fit. It’s also because they spend their youth interacting with hundreds of people through events and parties.
Each time you interact with someone it’s like doing a rep at the gym. Guys with a huge bench press are guys who do a lot of bench press at the gym.
Talking to people are your reps. The world is your gym.
So hit the streets and talk to people, every day, all day. Not just the hot chicks, or the waitress you really like. Talk to every person you meet through out your day. This way you will slowly learn calibration and social skills.
Learn from the experts
There are a dozens of amazing dating couches who rule the online community. Find them. Read their books. And LEARN social calibration. This is so easy, and so assessable, that I’m amazed more men don’t do this. Instead most men end up being awkward, ignorant, and lonely.
Get out of your comfort zone and do some learning.
P.S. You can read Part 7: Her Inner Zombie? here.
P.S.S. Did any of this make sense? Ask me questions in the comments below.
Top Photo Credit: SuicideGirls.com – Pin-Up Punk Rock and Goth Girls