Something I ve discovered about dating women is that they react differently between the first ten dates and the rest of the relationship. To help my fellow man escape a pit of despair I d like to clarify some major paradox s of dating and long term relating (relationships.)
The DATING world isn t the same as the RELATIONSHIP world. It can feel like an entirely different beast. At least when it comes to attraction. Women react to your behaviors differently depending on where you re at together.
Sometimes the world of dating is like Jerry Seinfeld s Bizarro World where everything is backwards.
I m not even kidding.
Before I continue to paint myself into a corner I should clarify the following:
1) Although I invite criticism and feedback from the beautiful women that use this website I do ask that you realize that I m specifically talking to men in this article.
2) Please take everything I write with a grain of salt. I haven t dated EVERY woman, despite my best efforts, so don t scorn me for writing something that doesn t apply to your mom or sisters.
3) The first ten dates are what I consider the Dating World while everything beyond that starts to become the Relationship World.
BEHAVIOR: Buying her gifts, flowers and chocolates.
Bad for dating. This will only make you seem needy and will not do much to impress her. She doesn t even KNOW you yet so what has she done to deserve such attention? Being pretty isn t enough. Showering her with gifts is the fastest way of putting her on a pedestal. And a woman can t look down from her pedestal and still find you attractive . only sad.
Good for relationships. If you re already in a long-term relationship and you bring your girl flowers or candy then you ll get a VERY different result. She ll LOVE them, she ll LOVE you, and your world will get a little brighter.
BEHAVIOR: Giving her too much praise, attention, and affection.
Bad for dating. Women value what they earn, not what they get for free. Giving away all of your energy on a girl who hasn t proven her worth makes your attention useless. Women can sense when you re trying to trade your attention for their approval, so don t. Remember: one compliment goes farther than ten.
Good for relationships. Giving your girlfriend a little extra attention (without smothering her and only if you re being sincere) will build rapport and trust. This extra attention and praise is more valuable now that she s earned her way into your heart.
BEHAVIOR: You open up and share all of your feelings and emotions with her.
Bad for dating. Unfortunately we can all be a little judgmental when we first starting dating. This is how we help keep ourselves safe, and how women develop a sense of who we are. If you unload all of your secrets, feelings, and past emotional baggage, then she ll get the impression that you re going to be a long-term burden (cry baby.)
Good for relationships. To relate we need to share, connect, and build trust. And one of the best ways to connect is through intimate stories and secrets. She ll value your privacy and discretion, and she ll be more open to sharing your emotional dramas but only once in while. Don t be an emotional vampire.
BEHAVIOR: You see and talk to her everyday.
Bad for dating. Of course you re going to be excited when you first start dating but it s this excitement that you should hold onto, like the tension before a comedian s punch line, because it only helps build her anticipation of seeing you again. When you talk to a girl everyday, even it it s through long emails, you re lessening her anticipation of seeing you. The best thing to do is see her once or twice a week until she s completely hooked and has asked you So, where are we at? Give her the gift of missing you.
Good for relationships. It s hard to relate when you don t see each other. So chatting up your girlfriend everyday is a GOOD thing.
BEHAVIOR: You date other women.
Good for dating. When you are wanted by other women it raises your value, and keeps you from obsessing over that one special girl. Dating multiple women keeps you relaxed and normal instead of insecure and uneasy because it gives you options. Plus it helps her to feel uncertain about you, which only raises her need to chase you. Strange and true.
Bad for relationships. Most women simply don t want to share you with someone else, and after dating for a long time she ll no longer want to chase you. It s sometimes fun to chase when dating, but when she s caught you she doesn t want to play that game anymore. She wants certainty and progress.
Of course there are many aspects of dating and relating that shouldn t change (but sometimes do when we get lazy) like flirting, teasing, surprise dates, sexy text messaging, etc. But don t make the tragic mistakes I ve outlined above.
There are very different expectations from the girl you just met and the girl you just married. Obviously both types of girls will actually WANT the same things attention, affection, praise, and certainty. But it s the sexually successful man who understands that sometimes it s better to give a woman what she NEEDS instead of what she WANTS. The girl you ve just met NEEDS a little more tension and mystery while the girl you just married NEEDS a little more predictability, certainty, and comfort.
(Today’s thumbnail photo is from This Photographer.)