QUESTION:

I had been in a relationship for about 5 years, but over the last several months, I was ready to move on, but waiting for her to get out a stressful part of her life, which was soon to be over.

Weird. So you wanted out but you were waiting her out? This is a problem…

A couple of months ago, I had this graduate student working with me for about a month. It was clear early on that we liked each other, but she was also in a 5-year relationship and is currently living with her BF. Long story short, I fell for her hard and she supposedly felt the same way. She was in a similar situation where things weren’t working out with her and her BF and was considering moving on.

Ha! This won’t end well, I can tell already… two people who are indecisive and waiting for someone to save them…

During the month, we talked, flirted, talked about how we felt, etc. At the end of the month, she wanted to have “the talk”. She admitted that she crazy about me, but that she wanted to work through things with her BF first, didn’t know what would happen, and couldn’t do it wh ile she was thinking of me all the time, but she hoped we could keep in touch.

Oh burns on you! She really likes you but would rather work things out with the boyfriend she doesn’t even like. BOOO ?URRRNS.

Sorry to hear that. ?:(

I can respect that.

What?! Why?

Anyway, a few days later she initiated more flirting, which ultimately led to a similar “talk”. I agreed and cut things off, but said I needed time before we could talk again.

I’m confused. You both felt guilty about flirting so you cut it off? I hope so.

During that time I broke it off with my girlfriend, which I would have done regardless of this girl, and started dating again.

That’s the smartest thing you’ve said so far. Good work.

I eventually sent this girl a few friendly texts, trying to keep things cool since we would likely be working together next year. About a week later she texted me saying she saw me jogging by her house and looked forward to seeing me again. Despite better judgement, we decided to meet up to chat a bit. I quickly realized I was no where close to being over her, which made it a little weird. She tried to hug me goodbye, but I walked off before she could. When I got home, she called me and asked me what why it was weird, and I confessed that I wasn’t over her yet and she said she wasn’t over me either… I know, I was being a chump.

The walk away was a good move… made her more hungry for you. I also kinda like how you’re being honest with her… it’s like you’re a man who’s fighting his hunger for her while respecting that she’s with someone else. That must be driving both of you nuts.

Well, we are back into the same situation. She’s still with her BF, and we are again talking, texting, flirting etc.

This is only a problem if you’re being pulled around like a helpless dog and if you’re ignoring other women hoping to make things work with her… because she’s winning. She get’s her boyfriend AND she gets your flirting and attention. She wins, you lose.

 

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Trust me... sharing her sucks.

 

I’m still dating other people, but she’s always on my mind.

That’s okay. Dating other women is the only real solution to this “problem” … except you should also cut her off until she’s willing to leave the boyfriend. What you need to figure out for yourself is whether you’ll be able to trust her should she ever cheat on her boyfriend to be with you. Imagine you end up with her… will you always be wondering if she’s going to be secretly flirting with some other guy while you’re not around? That’s a tough one.

One of her friends told me she is really into me, which is a good sign I guess.

If she’s not WITH you, then she’s not really that into you. Don’t fool yourself.

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Being the third wheel sucks.

 

So… what do I do now? I am totally nuts for this girl, and I definitely want to keep the door open.

I can relate to wanting a girl who’s not available but who’s teasing you with possibilities and day dreams, etc. Everyone wants what they can’t have. This is common and normal.

But here’s what you need to realize… your feelings shouldn’t be dictating your decisions. Your feelings can’t be trusted. Instead use your head. Growing up and getting what you REALLY want comes from making life’s more challenging decisions, and that requires you to have some EGO AWARENESS. This is when you step out of your situation (by removing emotional attachments to outcomes) to have true perspective. This way you can balance the pros and cons in order to make a decision based on facts and logic, not drama and emotional drives.

Drunk drivers don’t use their head, they use their feelings.

School yard fights start because of immature decisions based on ego and emotions.

Guys who chase women who aren’t ultimately interested are desperate dudes who don’t use mature perspective to make decisions.

At least that’s how I see it.

My point is that you need to do your best to have perspective. Perspective of what you deserve and want and need… not what your emotions want.

This may seem difficult just like shopping for healthy food is difficult when you’re starving, making you buy junk food simply because it’s a quicker fix.

This girl is your junk food. She’s bad for you in large amounts, but she might be okay in tiny bits, as a snack… and only if your other meals are already healthy and filling.

My suggestion would be to find another girl, who’s single and available, who’s more worthy of your time. The pay off will be great sex, lots of attention, and the possibility of a relationship that might fulfill you, instead of a girl who’s playing the field in order to meet her own neediness.

If, while dating other women, you still have time to flirt with this girl, then it’ll be more fun for you AND less likely to drive you crazy when she doesn’t leave her boyfriend for you. Then her attention will be a fun distraction, without it ruining your week.

What’s the best way? Should I keep doing what I’m doing, try to make a move, or just cut it off? What’s the next step for me?

I suggest you flirt with her sparingly, ignoring every other text message, thereby letting her know you’re around but very busy with other girls. Realize that when you don’t hear from her she’s blowing her boyfriend. Keep in mind that as she’s flirting with you she’s still having sex with some other guy. ?;)

Also, I am really confused about where she is coming from with this. It appears that she’s not happy in her relationship, but seems too insecure to break it off… or maybe that’s just how I’m seeing it.

Sure she’s insecure.. or maybe she’s happy having two guys giving her attention instead of just one. Ask yourself this… if you were her boyfriend how would you feel about her text messages to her “secret guy friend”?

Guy and girls do what she’s doing ALL THE TIME. They keep someone floating on the side they never commit to in order to flirt and feel important, while maintaining a “serious” relationship full time. This gives them the extra attention they think they need. It’s kinda pathetic and it seems like a huge lie to everyone involved.

I’m not judging, I’m just trying to describe how it looks.

But I’m not her, and I’m not you, so I don’t really have all the facts.?

You’re going to have to decide if she’s worth it, or not. That’s your call, and sometimes life’s best lessons are made when you have to make the best guess you can. Just don’t decide based upon how you FEEL, because your feelings can’t be trusted. That’s why the perspective of a best friend is sometimes best… they’re not emotionally invested so they have more perspective. Know what I mean? Ask a buddy, see what he says?

I do know her friends and mom don’t really like the guy. Can you try to explain what she’s thinking and where she’s coming from? I am just getting played or does she really like me?

Thanks a lot for your help.

It’s impossible to know if you’re being played, really. She might really be into you but scared her boyfriend will hurt her or himself… I’ve seen that situation personally, and it sucks.

But it’s not your responsibility to heal her life, or to convince her that you’re better than him. She either knows you are, or she doesn’t. Spending more time with her isn’t going to help her make a switch from him to you. Truly, she already knows which guy she’d prefer… she’s with him.

There’s no reason to be upset with her, or to blame her… she’s likely just lonely and unsure what to do.

If I were ?you, and if I thought she was super honest and sweet and worth it, I’d lay it out… “Hey, obviously we connect really well, but this situation is super inappropriate. It’s not fair to you, to him, or to me. So I need to cut things off for my own sanity. I hope you get your shit figured out and I wish you the best. I want what’s best for you! Figure it out and find me when the dust has settled. I’m happy to be your friend, if that’s how things end up.” Give her a big hug, then leave her alone until she’s figured it all out. She’s likely to stay with the dude, in which case you must stop the flirting and stay platonic.?

Trust me, you’ll ultimately feel proud of yourself AND she’ll want you even more, which is nice. ?;)

Hope this helps, let me know how it goes,

~ Robby

 

 

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If you keep your eyes pealed you might notice other girls...