I’m so tired of being a failure with dating. I just want to skip the struggle, failure, and heartache and go to the end. I have had enough shitty relationships to last multiple lifetimes.
There’s so many attractive women, I don’t know what I need to do to keep the attention of one.
What’s worse is I realize I can’t use sex to keep their attention, which is what I did before. When does dating become easy? When do women stop saying “you’re going to make some girl happy one day”, and start wanting to become that girl for me?
When will women stop flaking out on a text message I send and actually say what’s wrong with me (I can’t fix it unless I know what’s wrong).
When will being a good guy matter?
I understand not every girl is going to like me, but it’d be nice to find some that do.
Feelings Aren’t Facts
“I’m so tired of being a failure with dating. I just want to skip the struggle, failure, and heartache and go to the end. I have had enough shitty relationships to last multiple lifetimes.”
I named this blog “Full Of Hate” because I had all these same questions, and I love it!
And not just because I can completely relate to your frustrations, but because I’ve survived this type of pain and came out the other side happy, and suck-sex-full. If you know what I mean.
But sitting here I’m torn. I can’t just say, “It’s going to be okay” even though that’s true. And I can’t just say, “It’s not women that’s the problem… it’s you.” because you’ll likely get defensive long before you listen what I have to say.
It’s times like this that I wish I had parental instincts, or a background in teaching, because I’m not sure there’s an approach that’s going to help.
How can I share “logic” with someone who’s being “emotional?” Being upset or depressed or emotional basically makes you a drunk guy at the bar. And there’s no reasoning with a drunk guy at the bar.
Sooo… bookmark this page and come back to it when you’re sober, relaxed and no longer upset.
Then I will share some things I’ve learned about dating and hope for the
Beer Goggles, Aliens and Drugs
Back in the 60’s and 70’s a couple of know-it-alls (Schachter, S. & Singer, J. (1962). Cognitive, social, and physiological determinants of emotional state. Psychological Review, 69, 379–399.) came up with a theory called Two-Factor Theory. Not a great name. But the concept was cool – they pointed out that our emotional states tend to have two parts: physiological arousal and a cognitive label.
Basically when we experience an emotion there is a certain state of mental and physical arousal followed by our brains giving that feeling a label. For example, you see a snake and your body might start pumping you full of adrenaline (arousal) and then your logical brain might call that feeling “fear” (label.)
Here’s what’s important about this idea… the arousal isn’t necessarily bad, it’s the label we give that arousal that matters. We can label things “bad” or “good” depending on how we interpret our arousal. (There are more theories of emotion, which you can read about here. )
Back in 2001 I was playing around with Ephedrine as a weight loss tool. It’s like caffeine except it affects your nervous system. About three days in my body said, “Ohhhhh… fuck this, I’m out” and I spent an entire night staring at the ceiling with a pounding heart while fighting off insomnia-driven night fears like alien abductions and heart malfunctions. That traumatic night turned into 8 months of nightly panic attacks. My brain and nervous system had anchored nighttime with “panic time” and my body became aroused with tension. I labeled that tension as “fear.”
I even cut out all sources of caffeine because it would give me the shakes, which would trigger my fears of a panic attack. My doctor gave me tranquillizer pills as a way to help rewire my body’s nervous system but they didn’t help. Eventually I was smart enough to ask to speak with a psychologist who, in one session, taught me all about panic attacks and the healing powers of meditation and self hypnosis. I’ve never had a panic attack since.
My doctor taught me how to use meditation in order to create instant deep calm within my physical and emotional body.
But here’s my point – today I still get the shakes from drinking too much coffee. But I now label that tension and arousal as “excited” instead of as “nervous.”
The physical FEELING is exactly the same, but because I’ve mentally labeled it differently I can alter the direction of that emotion. Instead of making my feelings “wrong” or “negative” I allow them to “just be.”
The point is this… our emotions aren’t right or wrong unless we decide they are so.
Why does beer improve the appearance of average looking women? Because we have on our Beer Goggles. Except really what’s happening is that we’re feeling relaxed and happy and therefore we’re labelling everything else as good.
And when we’re depressed we tend to label everything as bad – and we rant about how unfair women are, and how dating should be SO MUCH EASIER!
I took a long time to get to my point: Your feelings aren’t facts.
How you FEEL can’t be trusted.
It’s not women who have MADE you feel this way. It’s your body that’s made you feel this way. And now that you feel like crap you’re trying to tie past events to current feelings. It’s easy to blame women for your frustration, but that’s not fair.
When you feel bad then you’re going to see all things as bad. And you’ll even seek out bad memories when you’re sulking as a type of mental masterbation. Why do we do this? Because it arouses our emotions. It feels GOOD to feel bad. Our blood pressure rises and our adrenalin will go up when we purposely think of upsetting past event.
We inflate our own egos when we silently think of how others have offended or slighted us. It’s a natural, and pathetic, way of trying to increase our own importance while standing on our Throne of Justice while we judge everyone else for being so ugly and awful.
Quick Final Thoughts
“There’s so many attractive women, I don’t know what I need to do to keep the attention of one. What’s worse is I realize I can’t use sex to keep their attention, which is what I did before.”
There are two major ways of operating in this world – you can either see abundance, or you can see scarcity. Your comment above tells me that you see women as scarce. Perhaps you see happiness as scarce.
How can I tell?
Because you’re desperately trying to hold on to a woman. Perhaps every time you date a girl you feel like it’s your very last chance at love?
And it’s this desperation that sub-communicates to women that you’re needy. And guess what? Women don’t want to babysit their own boyfriends.
Your job is to find that love and abundance within yourself, and within your own life/career/friends/hobbies/family. That’s everyone’s job. Seek happiness and fulfilment FIRST! Only once you’re content and happy can you bring your BEST self to a new relationship.
You can’t treat women like a bridge you walk over on your way to fulfilment and happiness… Instead you have display your life full of happiness, then invite women over the bridge to share YOUR happiness with them.
“When does dating become easy?”
Dating is easy. Meeting new people is easy. Asking a girl you’ve never met about her cute little secrets IS easy. These are basic social skills. If you have a hard time with social skills then you should focus on that first. Being social IS a skill and it’s worth developing like any life skill. There are plenty of pickup artists online who have courses in such things, look them up. Or read my book.
“When do women stop saying ‘you’re going to make some girl happy one day’, and start wanting to become that girl for me?”
This is a polite way of saying, “You seem like a really nice guy. So nice that it’s a turn off. So nice that you don’t have spine. So nice that you have no opinions of your own because you’re desperately trying to make me happy. Stop smothering me with your gifts and compliments and step back, take a breath, and relax.”
“When will women stop flaking out on a text message I send and actually say what’s wrong with me (I can’t fix it unless I know what’s wrong).”
I applaud your willingness to hear the truth. That takes big balls. But most women don’t have the balls to be so blunt and honest, so try asking close female friends instead. Someone who is brave enough to hurt your feelings. Also… you have to ASK for such advice, women won’t offer it up blindly.
“When will being a good guy matter? I understand not every girl is going to like me, but it’d be nice to find some that do.”
I breakdown 10 main reasons being a “nice guy” doesn’t attract women, perhaps you’ll find answers there? ARTICLE HERE
When you get enough distance from this last girl you’ll likely see things more clearly. Being good with women takes practice (more dating), and WAY more self development than they teach us in school. Building up your self esteem, your future career directions, your connections with family and friends, will all help you becomes a more stable, attractive man. And when you do drop me a line to tell me all about it.