Question: Why Do I Push Guys Away Who Like Me?

QUESTION

Why do I stop liking guys after they like me back? Why do I push guys away?

Every time I like a guy I focus so much on getting him to like me. And so far its always worked and he’s liked me back, but as soon as he tells me he likes me too, I stop liking him. Is this normal? None of my relationships have ever laster more than two months because I just always have to admit to myself and him that I don’t like him anymore no matter how hard I try to.

What can I do to commit to a guy instead of just liking “the game” of making him like me?

Susan is such a cock-tease!

ANSWER

This is easy. Only date guys who aren’t really into you.

🙂

The problem you’re having is common for younger guys/girls… and I think it might come from awkward parenting (we learn how relationships should look and feel from our parents, so blame them.)

What’s likely happening is this…

Attraction is tension.

The more tension you feel for a guy, the more attraction you feel. You feel tension and you label it attraction.

But once you get a guy, and you KNOW he likes you too, the tension is completely gone. The mystery and the chase are completely erased.

Then it’s boring. This happens, especially, to girls who have a lot of options. If you’re hot and you know it then guys get really predictable real fast. And, of course, that’s boring.

So how can you prevent this?

I have three suggestions:

1) Look beyond the superficial feelings of attraction. Realize that boyfriends aren’t just jewelry that you show off to your friends. Because when your relationship is based only on attraction the relationship is doomed. It’s impossible to keep the tension/attraction high.. it waivers from high to low to medium over time.

This take maturity and experience which you’ll get with time. So don’t fret.

2) Realize that the BEST relationships are based upon love and rapport… and not JUST attraction. Love and rapport is something we LEARN to respect and desire and it SHOULD be taught to us by our parents and older siblings, etc.

If your parents are messed up then this might mess you up too… but it’s only temporary. You can relearn anything you WANT.

Rapport comes from closeness. It comes from sharing secrets. It comes from sharing stories and similarities. It brings feelings of connection. Warmth. When you REALLY connect with someone you feel familiar and safe. Like being alone with mom or dad.

It’s possible to connect with your boyfriend like you do with your best girlfriend if you make intimacy and connection a priority when you’re Man Shopping.

Appreciation for connection and trust comes with time. You simply might be too young to appreciate that yet.

3) Or simply date a guy who’s so awesome that he’s out of your league. This is a guy who has is hot, has his shit together, and who doesn’t fall all over himself just because you’re cute/hot. This is a guy who’s seeking a real woman of deep self esteem, value, and confidence. This is a guy who you’ll have to always be on your top game to catch and keep. This is a guy who would never cheat on you but who will also walk away if you turn into a bitch or jaded hooker. Know what I mean? It just might be a quality guy like this who you will NEVER find boring simply because he’s always got more options than you.

I’ve dated and talked with many hot girls and I’ve discovered that they get bored with average guys simply because they are overloaded with attention from all guys all the time. So instead of dating average guys you should try dating awesome guys.

If you’re super cute then you might simply be too spoiled to realize how good you have it.

I hope this helps!

~ Robby

 

13 thoughts on “Question: Why Do I Push Guys Away Who Like Me?

  1. Mahbub says:

    Hi,

    This is exactly my problem

    Step 1: I like a guy

    Step 2: I try to get his attention

    Step 3: he likes me back

    Step 4: I run

    I don’t know why, when I feel that he likes me back, I analyze him and find flaws then they turning me off and I don’t know why,

    Because I know no one is perfect.

    What should I do?

    Btw I had a bad relationship back then which took me 5 years to leave him

    • Robert Belland says:

      Clearly you need to work on your self awareness. Have you spent any time inspecting your thoughts and feelings when you find yourself running away? Often this is either a fear of intimacy/success… because being dating someone new is scary… it requires us to be vulnerable in order to have intimacy. And when we're vulnerable with someone we really like they can easily hurt us by rejecting us, criticizing us, or otherwise verifying that we're as shit as we worry we might be.

      The solution is a little inner development, inner game… work on yourself and your esteem, and your personal sense of value.

      From a stronger place of self confidence you'll find it easier to be vulnerable around new men. Because you won't fear their opinions of you, and you'll therefore be more open exploring love and romance and connection.

      Or do you have other ideas?

  2. Sapphire says:

    Same problem here but my parents are still married. They just argue a lot. I usually have more than one guys I “like” and when i am rejected i move on to the next guy, sort of like my defense mechanism. Whenever people tell me they like me i freak out and stop talking to them and start feeling a strong dislike for them. Or when i like a guy and they like me back i am giddy for a few hours or even a day and then im just like ugh i hate this guy. What’s wrong with me? Is it a defense mechanism???

    • Robert Belland says:

      Typically this method of keeping a backup man, or losing interest in a man likely comes from some past traumas/rejections/pain.

      Yes, it sounds like a defence mechanism… at least the back up man method does.

      The issue of losing interest is more likely something about how you view yourself. If you have a belief system that says you're unlovable, and someone show you love, at first you may like it but eventually you will feel a disconnect… you "know" you're not worthy of love and this guy thinks you are… so eventually you push that guy away because he's making you feel uncomfortable.

      Look at your past traumas or how your parents raised you to FEEL about yourself. For sure you'll find something about deep about self worth hidden in there?

      That's my guess. Hugs?

  3. whitney says:

    Okay so like I’m 19 years old never like been in a relationship, like I only vibed with guys meaning had a thing but like I never labelled it, and like I feel once someone say they like me I intend to push them away, now my parents are divorced because my father cheated several times and I never grew up in a childhood where I saw my parents actually in love, I have been guarding my heart, and like once someone say they like me I push them away, but I like the chase well sometimes but once they say they have feelings for me I start pushing them away its like I’m afraid, like I don’t want someone like my dad I know its wrong yes he has other potentials but showing love is not one of them, he says I’m cold hearted like him but I’m not I’m just afraid of letting go of my walls and not finding a guy that’s like him, and I loose interest really fast too. (Sorry for this long comment I just need your advice thanks)

    • Robert Belland says:

      Great comment Whitney!

      You're in a tough situation because we can't help how we feel. Our feelings about others really isn't our choice, so it's useless to fight against it… so if you're pushing someone away because you truly don't find them attractive, then that's perfectly normal and alright, even if you first had to chase them.

      BUT if you're finding that you're pushing guys away that you really want and desire, but you're overwhelmed by fear (fear of being hurt I guess?) then there's probably lots you can do.

      I recommend counselling, of course, but everyone should do that anyways… we're not all born with innate inner development skills.. deciphering our inner struggles isn't something that comes naturally. It takes skills that others sometimes have, and I think it's very healthy to seek counselling and advice for all of life's struggles.

      And I'll say this… even though our feelings aren't our choice, our THOUGHTS are our choice. And our THOUGHTS direct our FEELINGS. What we THINK we will FEEL.

      So if you have messed up ideas about men and relationships and it's messing up your feelings, then that's the best place to start looking for answers.

      Drop me a line anytime: questions@ignoreandscore.com

  4. Alaska F says:

    I've always wondered about this question myself and, credit where credit is due, this article is spot on with the answer. I can definitely say that I feel a crazy tension with most guys I'm attracted to, which evaporates once the chase is over. And I only got into my first comfortable, stable and honest relationship with a guy who I built rapport with over time and closeness, and once I was old enough to appreciate what a real relationship should be like. I didn't even like him at first, but once I looked past the superficiality, I fell madly in love with him. You're a genius for finally putting an explanation to this! Great article, great insight Robert!

  5. Caitlin says:

    My dad left my mother and I when I was quite young. My mom is remarried now and I am happy, so why do I still push guys away. When I was a bit younger I “dated” the jock of the class…I fell IN LOVE and one day he told everyone in the class I made it up and he broke my heart in front of the class. So now I push guys away. And I am scared its a bad thing. I mean people told me If I can’t like guys then maybe I am Lesbian…I just don’t see myself dating, or even hugging another girl in “that” way. I keep wanting to date boys (It makes me feel better about myself) I realize that is the wrong reason, but its true. How can I stop being so worried that I might nit be the person I thaught I am. How do I stop telling my self I need a guy? you gave really good advice, and sure dating an awesome guy is great-but didn’t the problem start with an awesome guy that broke my heart? I am only 14. Which is young, but if I don’t sort this problem out while still growing up, I might not be able to fix it when I am an adult. Please help? Any advice at all…

    • Robert Belland says:

      Your issues aren't really about your relationships with men or women, or which you prefer… at least not in my opinion. It sounds more like your relationship with yourself that needs your focus and attention.

      I know this because I can relate to much of what you're saying. I have some pretty terrible memories of girls humiliating me in front of their friends when I was 13, and it really made me shell-shocked, and afraid to share my feelings, etc.

      How about you email me directly and tell me more specifics about your situation and I'll happily give you my advice? I'm at questions@datingdynamicsformen.com

      ~ Robby

  6. Courtney says:

    Thank you for putting quotation marks around words that if you hadn't I would have found offensive. The one thing I hate is when I'm called young, but rarely so because those who know me in real life assume I'm older.

    Back to the matter at hand, I'm pleasantly surprised that you replied and will try to learn from it. Thank you again!

  7. Courtney says:

    I have this too! I can get the parent thing, my parents were never married, and then my dad walked out, leaving us moneyless for a younger woman. The problem is, I'm not hot. At all. The only relationship I've ever had, I'm 15, was back in fifth grade, with a guy named Adam. I broke up with him the next day. Was it because a guy I liked even more than him didn't like him, or maybe because some people thought he was gay? I don't know. I just did the same thing today. I guy I liked on Wednesday told me he liked me, and I stopped liking him. I feel like a bitch because I'm ignoring him now, but I don't know what else to do. Do I care too much about flaws? Maybe. I know for a fact I don't plan on getting married. Any help?

    • Robby says:

      The problem you're having is that you don't have any perspective yet… you're simply not old enough to have dated enough guys to know the appropriate ways to get a guy, or leave a guy, or even why to make those choices. Right now you're just going with the flow… "I like him so I'll make him my boyfriend… he likes me so he's boring, so instead of having an awkward conversation I'll just ignore him until he goes away."

      I can't blame you for being this way because you're "young." With youth comes superficial understandings and demands and wants and such. This is normal and there's nothing wrong with it.

      But I will warn you now… you're close to being an "adult" and these are the best years of your life to bring your personal growth inwards and onwards.

      How you teach YOURSELF to deal with conflicts and relationships during the next few years will have a huge impact on how you deal with them later in life. So I would suggest challenging yourself, as much as possible, to be less superficial, and more "mature" with your dating. This just means you should try to have those "real" conversations you're currently avoiding, so that you can see yourself as open and honest and real and sincere and empathic. "Hey John, listen… at first I was into you, but for what ever reason I'm just not feeling it. I just don't feel like we're connecting in a way I'm wanting. I hope we can just be friends without any weirdness, I just want to be honest with you and myself." This type of response helps little Johnny because otherwise he'll be wandering around wondering why you suddenly stopped talking to him and it could mess up his month.

      In any case don't worry about "not liking" some dude. That's an honest response. The best thing you can do is acknowledge that fact, and move on, instead of staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy and sad.

      Plus, you're too young to have met the more mature and interesting dudes you'll meet in college… guys who are career driven, but more importantly socially balanced and attractive. You'll find yourself chasing them, which is more fun anyways.

      Enjoy school and friends and sports and passions while you're still young enough to not have to worry about rent and pregnancy and paying bills. 🙂

      Thanks for the comment,
      ~ Robby

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Share This