Question: Why Do I Always Date “Ash Wholes”?



Why Can’t I Fall For Anyone Who’s Right For Me?

Good question! Hmmm… let’s see…

I recently had an experience with a guy which didn’t end well and left me feeling pretty heart broken to be honest.

Sorry to hear that. 🙁

So I decided the next time a genuinely nice guy was interested I’d just go with it and see what happened.

This sounds like you’re confessing to have knowingly dated “non-nice guys” …

Enter unexpected nice guy! He asked for my number and has put in a lot of effort.

I don’t like him already.

I haven’t been overly flirty with him but I’ve seen him in a group and one on one to try and get to know him better.

Wait… I’m confused. Did you give him your number or are you stringing him along here?

I feel awful though because his friend has told me he likes me and much as I like him as a person I just don’t feel that way about him.
Why would you feel bad for not being attracted to a guy? You do realize that his attraction for you doesn’t mean you owe him anything, right?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, he’s sweet and funny and we have a lot in common, so what am I waiting for?! Any insight would be great.

Thanks for the email Amy!

Here’s my thoughts, from my “guy” point of view… so take it for what it is… just my opinion.

1) Attraction isn’t a choice. (thx to David DeAngelo for that huge insight!)

How you feel about a dude isn’t something you can just “choose.” So there’s no need to feel guilty when the nice guy is boring and when the assholes are attractive.

How you feel is just how you feel.

And what triggers your attraction for a guy will often be influenced by your childhood, any past emotional traumas or emotional highs, and how healthy your boundaries are (which includes your self esteem.)

So don’t beat yourself up if the nice guys are boring, or if you suddenly stop feeling the chemistry for any dude you’re dating. That’s life and not your “fault.” There’s no need to explain yourself to him either. If you don’t feel the connection you’re looking for then simply move on.

Easy right?!

2) Nurture your intuition.

If you can’t trust your feelings (because emotions lie) and if JUST using your head is too robotic… then using both together makes a nice balance we call intuition.

Let’s assume you’re a mature healthy woman.

This means that even though you may find that asshole at the bar to be cute, curious, and attractive (your body wants him) your brain may recognize that he’s an asshole (treats others poorly, perhaps he’s selfish, perhaps he’s abusive). Your body feels attraction but your head feels repulsion.

Intuition is the mix of feelings/emotions and logic/thinking… and in the case of dating assholes your brain should step in and say “no thanks.”

So if you’re dating assholes then you’re ignoring your brain, which makes your intuition fail you, which leads you into an unhealthy relationship.

Basically I’m saying this – your feelings for a guy shouldn’t ultimately dictate whether you date him or not… your brain should help decide.

Don’t date guys JUST because you’re attracted to them. Simple as that.

You’re all grows’d up now, so let your brain help you out with picking dudes.

3) Don’t let yourself get “too hungry.”

You sound like you’re trying to choose better guys…I applaud that approach, but you’re swinging from one extreme (letting ATTRACTION dictate who you date) to the other (letting LOGIC dictate who you should date).

It’s like this… I KNOW that eating pizza and candy every day is bad for my health… my BRAIN understands this logic. I hate being a fatty. It’s unhealthy and my pants feel tight. BUT my body WANTS junk food, everyday.

And when I let myself get too hungry my body will always win when I’m trying to decide what to eat… my emotions will almost always win because they’re so powerful!

This is why I’ve learned to never shop when I’m hungry, and I’ve learned to always prepare myself healthy meals in order to avoid letting my body get too hungry, which will jeopardize my decision making.

So, in your case, don’t let yourself get hungry. Hungry for a man’s attention, hungry for sex, hungry for intimacy, etc. Because when you’re lonely you’re only going to make bad dating decisions.

4) Work on making yourself happy.

Realize that a man isn’t a bridge to happiness… having a relationship isn’t going to make you happy. No man want’s to be the bridge you use to get happy. He’ll resent you and will push you away.

Instead you need to BE happy in order to attract healthy men. And then TOGETHER you can cross that relationship bridge into shared intimacy, etc.

There are few things as attractive to us guys as a woman who has her shit together. A woman with her own career, who’s got healthy relationships with other men, women, and family members, and who’s passionate about her own life goals. A woman like that is attractive because it inspires the men around her to WANT to be better men AND it shows these guys that she’s not needy or insecure or an emotional vampire.

So to attract the healthy guys who are naturally attractive you must make yourself healthy and emotionally attractive.

Work on you.

If you’re lonely then you simply need to reconnect with your close friends and family. Build your social network slowly until you’re busy and having fun with people you love.

This will help you to become so well fed with love that you won’t waste time even talking to guys who can’t keep up.

Does this make sense?

Did I just give you a long rant?

Hope this helps!

~ Robby

One thought on “Question: Why Do I Always Date “Ash Wholes”?

  1. FleurDeLys says:

    This was pretty sound advice. And yes, she does need to get a good balance of brain vs. heart action going.

    Amy, not every nice guy will be the one for you. You need a good mix of attraction/chemistry and personality, and to train yourself to become intolerant of disrespectful behaviour.

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