I’m an 18 year old female and I’m looking for your “older guy” advice… I’m trying to figure out how far into my relationship with a new boyfriend should I be starting to do sexual stuff and having sex… your thoughts?
First of all, thanks for asking for my old man advice, I appreciate that you would think I might know something about this… and of course I feel like I do, but I’ve also never been a young woman, and I’ve never had the worries or fears of experiences the real life dangers of an 18 year old girl… therefore please take any of my advice with a grain of salt. In reality you might also want to ask some older women who have seen some stuff and who have a good head on their shoulders.
Life is WAY easier when we learn from the mistakes of others whenever possible… so definitely seek additional advice from some older, wisers women.
With that said, here’s my thoughts…
This is a choice specific to each of us, there’s no “normal” amount of time required.
The amount of time it takes for YOU to feel comfortable being naked with a dude, without any feelings of pressure or obligation, is going to be specific to YOU. This is one of those life choices that only feels good when it’s on YOUR own terms.
Because sex is so dangerous, especially for women, it needs to be taken seriously. There are real dangers to consider… dangers like pregnancy, STD’s and of course sexual violence.
I’m going to say this for the benefit of any men who will read this post: women are simply born smaller and more vulnerable to a man’s physical size and aggression and therefore have much more serious reasons to be careful around sexual behaviors. I’ve heard stories from women about when they hit puberty every guy they encountered started to treat them differently, and that it can feel pretty strange and dangerous and creepy… because it IS dangerous and creepy!
This is why it’s so important for girls to filter our guys who are overly aggressive, who don’t understand the word “no” very well, or who are not good at caring for a woman’s vulnerabilities. If your boy thinks it’s okay to pressure you then it’s going to be hard to trust he’s doing to slow down when you need him to. I’ve always felt that if a guy is patient and doesn’t pressure his girl to get naked then he’s probably more trustworthy in the bedroom.
I guess that if your boyfriend proves himself to be patient and trustworthy, and shows great care, then the real issue is when YOU’RE emotionally ready to be vulnerable and naked with him.
If you’re mentally ready to handle getting pregnant or an STD… AND you can handle him disappearing the day after having sex with him (this does happen)… and you’re self confident enough to dictate the pace without letting his expectations rush you THEN you’re probably ready to have sexy times!
If you’re not mentally or emotionally ready to handle disappointment or sexual embarrassment, then don’t do it. You’re not ready.
At my age I have seen it all and I can handle it all. I’m obviously very careful with whom I get naked with… because I clearly don’t want an STD, and I also consider my naked time valuable and only the most worthy of women deserve it. And just as I have to earn my way into a woman’s inner juicy vulnerable true self, so does she with me.
With all of those things considered… If I’ve just started dating someone I will definitely have tried kissing her by the third date, even though I want to kiss her on the first. And we will most likely start some petting zoo make outs within 5 dates. And most likely we’re having sex within 8 dates. That’s been my experience, but that’s also my comfort level, and every woman is different.
It’s YOUR job to learn YOUR comfort zone, and be okay giving him those boundaries. Be clear and specific as a way of practicing your assertive self, and as way of keeping yourself safe.
Find your OWN pace and you’ll keep yourself safe and happy no matter the outcome of the relationship.