How do I stop basing everything on looks?
It’s more of an internal mindset. My standards have gotten higher and higher the more dates I’ve been on, and the girl I used to have a serious crush on (high school dream girl) now looks mediocre to me. How do I stop basing everything on looks?
I have an internal fear that if I settle for a girl that is average looking, I’m going to be distracted and stare at really pretty girls when I’m in a relationship. I’m always wanting a really attractive girl, someone I can feel proud of having. But I know that mindset is wrong. I want to snap myself out of it and quit having such high standards when it comes to looks. But I’m scared if I’m in a relationship, I’ll be staring and looking at really attractive girls imagining if I was with them instead.
This is a really mature question and one most guys don’t think to even ask, so bravo! You’re being honest and realistic!
I’ve done a lot of dating in my life and I’ve asked myself this same question.
Eventually I realized what I was REALLY asking was, “How do I stop focusing on the superficial aspects of the women I want to date so that when I’m in a proper relationship I can enjoy who I’m with even when I’m surrounded by possibly more beautiful women?”
FIRST: DON’T SEEK APPROVAL
Here’s what I’ve come to appreciate now having been in a few long term relationships – having a hot girlfriend is more about chasing other people’s approval and less about me and my happiness. Obviously I need to find my girlfriend attractive, but with age I’ve learned that a woman’s personality goes WAY farther than her looks. I mean, we all age so there’s no stopping the damages of time. And do I want to be old and sick in bed being cared for by someone super hot that doesn’t care about me? Or would I prefer a best friend who’s personality makes my heart feel full and my life feel amazing?
The BEST part of a serious long term relationship is the relating, not the superficial physical attraction. There comes a time when that excitement of EVERY relationship fades, because inevitably we become accustom to our partner and their mystery fades, their hotness fades, and eventually all we have left is each other’s personality. And it’s WHO that person IS when we’re with them that impacts if we’re HAPPY or not.
Just like being RICH doesn’t make us happy (suicide rates are higher for rich people for example) being with a beautiful woman doesn’t make us happy either.
Basically chasing the hot girlfriend is about chasing other peoples approval. That’s what we’re doing when we’re chasing the dream of driving a fancy expensive car, or walking around with a hot girlfriend. I mean… sure it seems cool when another guy thinks your girl is hot… but that’s like 30 seconds of your day, and the entire rest of your life is spent with her alone… are you living for some stranger’s approval or are you living for yourself?
SECOND: ATTRACTION TO OTHERS IS OKAY
Your feelings of attraction towards other beautiful women isn’t a choice. How you FEEL in any given moment, with any given person, isn’t something you can control. So take all of that pressure off your back and relax.
ITS OKAY TO FIND OTHER WOMEN ATTRACTIVE WHEN YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP! So don’t beat yourself up about it, and don’t fear that’s a bad thing.
There will ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, be women more attractive than who you’re with. Because even if you date the most gorgeous woman on the planet, within a year you’ll be used to her beauty. And you’ll start meeting her friends who are equally hot, but they’ll seem hotter simply because you don’t know them that well.
Half of attraction towards another person is their mystery and novelty. We are novelty seeking animals!
Your mistake is that you think it matters.
Finding other women attractive should have zero impact on how much you love the one you’re with. Because relationships are about bonding, and connection, and sharing. That stuff takes time to develop and feels WAY better than just “having” a hot girlfriend.
You probably don’t realize this yet because you probably haven’t had a serious connection with someone yet. Have patience.
Having a hot girlfriend is nice, if your only concern is what other guys think of you… it’s our ego’s that want others to be jealous of our woman.
Which is fine actually, just be honest with yourself about it. And do as much superficial dating as it takes. Over time our priorities change. Over time your need for her to be super hot will fade, and your need for her to be honest and trustworthy will grow.
FINALLY: ACCEPT THE FEELINGS AND LET THEM GO
One last thing: It’s okay to feel attracted to others when you’re in a relationship. It’s not okay to try to hold onto those feelings, while fantasizing about trying to be with them. That’s harmful to you and the relationship. Just feel the attraction, then let it go. Holding on is the mistake.
When we pass a hot woman on the street it will ALWAYS fire up our instincts and our biology. This is natural and perfectly harmless. The HARM comes when we walk away and want to keep having that feeling. It’s harmful to keep mentally masterbating about that emotional spike we felt when we passed that hot woman… trying to relive it over and over again like a loser. Like a druggy chasing dope, an alcoholic chasing booze, or a guy with a girlfriend who’s secretly chasing the high he felt from another woman’s attention.
Recognizing when it happens, and accepting it as natural and transient will help you let those moments go.
Life is change.
Appreciate those moments, then let them go. Trying to relive those emotions is sad and will ruin your day, your relationships, and your self esteem. Pride and confidence comes from letting go of behaviors that harm us, while encouraging healthy behaviors that make us better. And almost always choosing the path of MOST resistance is what builds us up, makes us proud, and strengthens our hearts.