Hey Kraig! Thanks for the email, I’ll leave you comments below as I read your message. 🙂
Your Question:Hey Robby. How’s it goin?
I’m doing great! Although it’s snowing like crazy here in Canada… I’m not sure where you are. But the snow is great for the holidays, so I’m pleased.
I just got out of a serious relationship.
Good for you! Or sorry to hear that?
It’s still a pretty open wound.
Ah, that sucks.
I feel kind of like a big bowl of shit right now.
That sounds disgusting and I know what you mean.
It started out as by far the greatest relationship I have ever been in. She was an intern where I worked, I heard she liked me so I made a move. Things went well and I ended up in the easiest, best relationship I have been in. It went that way for four months. We worked together, therefore we saw each other all of the time, plus we were hanging out all of the time. I wanted to see her, she wanted to see me. We didn’t argue, things were playful, we enjoyed being together.
This sounds great. Although you make it sound like this is a rare thing for relationships, but in my experience this is how all relationships are supposed to work. At lease they have for me and my friends… when you choose the right girl that is. And it sounds like you did.
Then she went back to school.
Oh oh… Might I ask how old you both are? I would guess you’re 24 and she’s 19?
She is kind of a party girl, and she got drunk a couple of times and just acted ridiculous and did some things that were just inconsiderate. I kept my cool, but things were a little strained after that.
“Party Girl” can mean a couple things… she might just be super impulsive and feminine… a “go with the flow” type personality… seeking social interactions, etc. This can be healthy if she’s healthy.
Or it can mean she’s using booze and loud music as a distraction to her inner conflicts while seeking attention and affection in order to feel good about herself. This is unhealthy and ultimately destructive to her and any relationships she’s in.
Which one is she? Perhaps you know or don’t know. Here are 10 signs she’s not girlfriend material.
If she has healthy boundaries, even when drunk, then she’s likely just young and looking to have fun. Healthy boundaries means she’s not going to grind her ass on some random at the bar when she’s got a boyfriend, even if she’s drunk. It also means she won’t allow over-flirting to escalate with other guys that aren’t you and she won’t let dudes touch her.
Unhealthy boundaries are when she’ll flirt with other guys in an attempt to garner their attention, or to make you jealous. This is bad.
There is a fine line here though… because if you’re a super jealous boyfriend you might think it’s unhealthy for her to hug other guy friends when she’s drunk, even though this might be perfectly acceptable types of touching. I hug all my female friends even when not drunk… it’s not sexual in nature.
And if you’re overly jealous then you might think that even TALKING to other guys is bad. This means YOU have unhealthy boundaries (trying to control her boundaries) and not her.
I don’t know enough to guess. 🙂
My suggestion is this… if she’s just young and exploring the world of being a drunk girl, sometimes you need to ignore and accept that her boundaries are wide open. The trade off is that she learns to trust you more and appreciates that you’re a cool boyfriend, and you get to go home with her at the end of the night. She might out grow this behaviour, or you might grow to participate more.
Or you might realize that this type of girl is not congruent with your current social needs and you’ll realize that you’re better off with someone more in tune with you.
I’ve dated girls who are extroverts and I find them draining… I’m an introvert ultimately, but I can play an extrovert when I’m in the mood. And I’ve bounced around through lots of women before I settled down with my current girlfriend… and she’s an introvert. And she energizes me because we MATCH.
The attraction of a party girl is her energy… their energy and fun vibe is attractive. They have an energy I don’t have but that I appreciate. And they take care of themselves more because they’re more social. They have more experience pushing a guy’s buttons which can be sexy. And they tend to be more desirable by other men, which is a turn on.
But ultimately you need to choose a girl who compliments you… and not just based on “oh, she’s hot and I’m attracted to her.”
Basically your feelings are great, but they shouldn’t be EVERYTHING when it comes to choosing the right woman.
I love pizza but I choose to eat it less because it’s unhealthy.
But you know what’s super hot? A woman who can spend time alone with you without needing your approval and without needing to be drunk and without needing the attention of everyone else. 😉
After awhile she just kind of treated me differently, she was a little more distant and things just weren’t the same. I brought it up one night and she got very defensive.
I think I might have some experience with this too. I was briefly dating this one girl who was WAY more social than me. Once she went out to a friend’s party while I crashed at her place to soak in her out-door hot-tub. I soaked in there wondering who was hitting on her… and I reassured myself that it didn’t matter because she was ultimately coming home to me. I was insecure back then but I was really working hard to over come such thoughts.
And despite my best efforts I tried to sneak stupid questions into our conversations… things like, “So, did you have a good night?” and then, “You look so great! I bet you had to beat them off with a stick tonight! Any gross guy’s trying to hit on you?” And she’d think I was being fun and curious and would always have some story about some guy. And she would play it off like she didn’t like it, but she did like it, and I was always so confused and kinda jealous.
And just by being jealous I was tainting the way I was coming across.
Instead of being honest with her by saying something like, “You know, I feel so stupid because I still sometimes feel jealous when you get hit on by guys, and I’m not really sure how to get over it. I logically KNOW I don’t have to worry about you cheating on me. But there’s something about other guys flirting with you that I hate… almost like they get to have these tiny interactions with you that I don’t want them to have. Like, I want you all to myself. Does this sound terrible?”
But instead I would pretend like I was fine and I would invent ways of asking if she was hit on… and ultimately this would make her feel suspicious of my motivations… and ultimately she would get so defensive and angry. One big reason she would get frustrated was because I wasn’t being straight forward and honest… I was trying to be sneaky or subtle and that can be really frustrating. In the end it would have been better for me to just be honest that I was jealous, that way we would could discuss it and she could help me resolve the issue.
It’s better to be jealous while trying to figure out why then to pretend you’re not.
From there it just broke down more and more. We kept it going for a few months after that, and there were decent times but mainly arguing. She just didn’t want to see me like she used to. I let my emotions take over and was a dick. I freaked.
Oops, bad move eh?
Sometimes our partner will sabotage the relationship by acting out, like your girl was doing, in order to “fix” it… meaning she WANTED to address the unspoken issues you two were having but didn’t know how so she acted out in hopes that it would force you two to talk, or would force a break up… either way she can walk away without any “guilt.” She might not want the breakup to be “her fault” so she might make you crazy until you end it yourself, or until you explode… then she can blame you.
That’s my guess but who knows, right?
The best approach is to STOP her the moment she’s being a brat. You can do this by being stern and assertive… NOT by being upset and angry and emotional.
Ultimately she wants to trust you… but she can’t if you allow her to walk all over you or to be disrespectful without any recourse.
Except your recourse needs to be stern and firm and assertive… but without the emotional drama.
Here’s a scenario… you’re both late for a date and it’s your fault because you’re unprepared or slow or something.
She might yell something like, “Fuck Kraig, why are you such an idiot! Why the fuck are you making us late!! You’re making me crazy! It’s like I’m babysitting you sometimes, you know that?”
See how that’s rude and disrespectful?
The wrong response might be you yelling something like, “Fuck, I’m going as fast as I can, okay!?”
The right response might be a calm and stern voice saying, “Hey, do not yell at me. It’s okay to be upset that I’m late, but it’s not okay to have a temper tantrum. Settle down or I’m leaving.”
If she continues to yell and insult you then just leave, go home, or ask her to leave your place. Having a yelling match doesn’t fix anything. Walking away before you also get upset gives you the chance to stay composed. Trying to argue while upset doesn’t work for anyone.
The idea I’m trying to explain is this – never allow her to yell at you or to be disrespectful just because she’s a brat. You either tell her to leave, or you leave. And realize that this type of “break” often means “break-up.” But that’s the cost of standing your ground and demanding others to treat you well.
NEVER stand and take someone’s bad attitude. Life is WAY too short and there are WAY too many gentle, sweet, loving women to enjoy!
Recently we finally ended it. It was kind of mutual, but I still feel like complete crap about it. She just randomly told me for almost no reason that she is talking to someone and has since blocked all contact with me (Facebook, Twitter, everything). It just hurts really bad. I don’t know why she has gone to such extremes.
Some girls are like monkeys… they can’t let go of one branch (you) until they’ve got their hands on another branch (the next guy.)
Don’t take this personally. This isn’t about you… it’s about her NEEDING the security of the next guy. She’s immature and needs that to feel safe. Don’t blame her and don’t fret about it.
Her hinting that she’s already seeing someone else was either her way of telling you to let her go, or her way of trying to hurt you one last time. Either way it doesn’t matter.
It sucks, sure. But that’s what makes dating so amazing! The ups and downs.
I guess my main questions are, first of all, I visit the site frequently and I know you went through a divorce so you have been through much worse. What did you do to get back on top of things?
All break ups suck, especially if you are really into the other person. The girl I was with after my divorce was the “love of my life” and she started dating another guy while dating me… and it sucked. So I had to “let her go” and it was horrible. It was kinda mutual but I didn’t really want things to end… but I refused to share her with some dude.
Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. That’s what I learned during my divorce.
I got back on my feet in three major ways.
1) I focused on my self. I wrote out a small plan to improve my career path (building my side business), my emotional self (meditation, self-help books) and my physical self (working out and improved diet.)
2) I kept busy. The benefit of living as a single guy is all the free time – which can help or hurt you. If you just sit around your brain will find ways to dwell on the emotional trauma instead of healing. Emotional healing comes from a little alone time and a lot of busy time. So got hobbies (I made watches and sold them) I read a tonne of books, and more importantly I got out of my place a lot. I learned how to roller blade, how to jog, and how to pick up women on the street.
3) The fastest way to forget the last girl is to meet the next girl worth getting to know. There’s something wonderfully distracting about a new girl. Realize that distraction is only healthy if you also take personal time to deal with past emotional trauma…. if you’re learning to let go of past mistakes you’ll benefit of meeting new women. But don’t go meeting new women if you’re still needy or desperate or jaded or gaurded. Know what I mean?
I have let a lot of things in my life slide, and I’m not really sure where to start to get back to a good place. I just need some advice on how to get motivated and get out there and become a better man.
Find mentors to help give you advice and to help learn new mindsets. I read a lot of Anthony Robbins and Don Ruiz… both of which helped me realize how lucky I really am and how much I love myself, my friends and my family!
Reconnect with yourself through happy and loving thoughts and encouragement… at all times forever.
And reconnect with friends.
4) The BEST way to FEEL better is to help a friend FEEL better. So don’t ask your friends to lift you up…. that’ show you become an emotional vampire. Instead find ways to lift your friends up. Help others… that’s how you feel better about yourself.
I think unconsciously we are much better at helping others because we have our own perspective on their problems… which gives us non-emotional ties to the issues… but when we help ourselves we’re blinded by our own emotional baggage. Does that make sense?
So help friends and family. Remind them how important they are to you. And give them your love and support. That will make you feel strong and happy real fast.
Secondly, and I know you usually kind of discourage this type of thinking, but I feel like circumstances for the relationship were just wrong. I am convinced that it couldn’t work at the moment, but I just really hate how things have ended. I still very much care for this girl, and I guess I’m saying you just never know what the future holds. Some day the circumstances might be right. We are just at different stages in life. She just turned 21 so she has that whole thing going on. I’m 24 so I’ve kind of been there, done that.
Ha, I fucking nailed it! I just knew she was younger… more immature and less experienced than you.
I get what you’re saying here… you want to let her go but you don’t want to exclude any future possible reunions.
Of course this is possible. I thought that about a few of my ex’s too. But it’s rare.
The ONLY way for you to work together in the future is if YOU are a different guy in the future. She might change, but you can’t expect that… people don’t change.
But you might. One day. And I don’t mean in the next six months.
Here’s the problem… you care about your feelings too much. This is common.
You FEEL like you still want to be with her, but you KNOW that she’s not interested and likely not good for you right now.
So now what?
Realize that your feelings don’t matter.
It’s OKAY to want her. And it’s okay to WANT her while NEVER acting upon it.
When you’re on a diet what’s the BEST thing for you to do in the long term? What would make you FEEL the best in the LONG term?
Sticking to your diet and reaping the rewards – healthy body, strong muscles, strong heart, clean lungs, less disease, fewer colds, less flus, better sleep, better complexion, better everything! Longer and healthier life!
But when we’re first dieting we have these FEELINGS that get in the way of long term success… feelings like sugar cravings. Or feeling weak because we’re not used to so few carbs and our body hasn’t learned to switch over to using body fat as fuel.
This is called “Transition vulnerability.”
When a caterpillar crawls into a cocoon it is MOST vulnerable. And when it crawls out as a butterfly it has only minutes to unfold it’s wings to dry before they can fly… this is the transition period from caterpillar to butterfly that it’s MOST vulnerable.
This is where you are. You’re feeling weak and vulnerable because you’re in transition from “how you used to see yourself… with this specific girl” to your future stronger self.
All you can do is TRUST yourself and battle through your insecurities until they settle away in the past.
It’s OKAY to be unsure and vulnerable. Just acknowledge that you’re having transition vulnerability and that it’ll pass as you continue to work on yourself and you continue to reconnect with friends and family and new social circles.
We just didn’t want the same things. What I’m saying is I would like to still have some type of contact, just in case by some chance things could work in the future.I need some advice.Thanks a lot!Kraig
You want to hold on to her “just in case” because you’re being a pussy. Ha!
I don’t really mean this as an insult…. I’m trying to open your eyes here.
The reality is this.. in the future she might be single again, and you might be a grown ass man with many female options. At that time it’ll be EASY to get this girl back… but if you stay in close contact she won’t have the benefit of seeing the BEFORE you and the AFTER you… and she NEEDS to see a difference if she is ever to FEEL different.
So give her the gift of miss you. Let her go. And grow.
You have to let go of the shore to discover new lands!
It’s scary but every father and grandfather before you has managed it… it’s in your genes… you’re the outcome of endless success stories of men finding women. Don’t worry, you’ll do just fine with out this girl in your life.
Let go, that’s my advice.