QUESTION: How do I get more confident with women?
I’m 18 and I’ve always thought of myself as confident with women, but once things start to go well, or when things start to get hot, I fall apart and I lose all confidence… help! Any tips?
ROBBY: Work on Your Courage, Not Your Confidence.
I feel like confidence is an over used excuse for inaction when it comes to women and dating.
I also think confidence is something we already have… the real issue is the negative self talk, fears and insecurities that roadblock us from taking the actions we need to take.
When you turn off the negative self chatter you’ll immediately discover you’re perfectly confident already. Our minds are naturally confident when not filled with insecure thoughts and worries. It’s those thoughts you need to become more aware of, recognize and counter in order to resolve this issue.
It’s just a matter of learning how to negate your fears in order to hear your deepest, truest self. It’s like our brains are full of the voices of everyone we’ve ever met, and the judgements, shame and embarrassments we’ve chosen to hold onto long after past traumas have passed.
So here’s my advice…
Work on your courage, not your confidence.
Success with women isn’t about not being insecure. And it’s not about being confident.
It’s about taking action.
Especially when we’re scared. That’s why we need more courage, not more confidence.
Courage builds confidence.
Courage is what helps us take action when we don’t FEEL like it. Confidence is just a state of mimd where we’re not thinking distracting thoughts, or focused on our fears. Courage is about ignoring how we FEEL in order to do what’s RIGHT.
There’s a part of you that doesn’t believe you could handle yourself if things go sideways during romantic situations. But trust me on this.. you can. As have millions of other men who have had mishaps in romantic situations. We ALL have! Men and women all fear the same things when we’re about to be vulnerable and naked with another human being.
We guys fear rejection, embarrassment, humiliation, and heart break.
We fear that we’re not going to be enough for her, that she’ll laugh, that we’re deep down unlovable. And these fears crush our abilities to take action. Because nobody wants to see real life proof that they’re not worthy of love! And if we don’t get hard during sex, or she thinks our dick is too small, or she doesn’t have an orgasm, or she otherwise rejects us during sex… well those can feel like huge traumas to experience when we’re trying to be vulnerable and intimate. (Except they’re not…)
It makes sense that you’d be hesitant in sexual situations… we ALL are worried about these things.
Except she’s WAY more worried than you are.
She’s up in her head worrying about how she smells, if she’s fat, if her pussy is pretty enough, or tight enough, or tastes bad, or looks bad, etc, etc. Her fears of your rejection are a million times more intense than yours.
It’s YOUR job as the man to walk into that space of insecurity and vulnerability for both of you… and take her by the hand and guild her into the world of sex and pleasure and trust and honesty and safety. Showing her that you’re okay being naked, unafraid of her judgements, and being completely without your own judgements of her.
This has worked in my favour for years because I’m sorta a fat guy. I’m 42 with a Dad Body… with a belly. And the women I tend to date are beautiful and skinny and typically “out of my league.”
And if these women saw me hiding my body or judging myself that would be a turn off for them, plus they would see signs of me judging myself… and therefore they might assume I’d judge them too.
And so I don’t judge myself. And I don’t judge them. I love myself and my nudity in all of it’s glory, just as I love theirs.
Leave all judgements out of the bedroom. It’s too vulnerable a place to allow judgements.
(I cover this in more depth in my Escalation Section of my 6-Hour Video Course)
I’m off topic…
Face Your Fears
Take a moment to walk yourself down the darkest path possible… dream up the worst case scenarios when it comes to women… what’s the WORST thing that could happen when you go to kiss that hot girl you’re on a date with?
She slaps you? She laughs? She’s so angry she never sees you again?
The reality is that if you’re on a date with her there’s almost ZERO chance she’s going to do any of those things.
Women spend time with us KNOWING we’re animals and we want to have the sexy times with them. It’s not a secret.
What’s confusing for women is when men DON’T try to make a move.
You need to ask around, learn what other guys are doing. And you’ll discover that slowly escalating removes all of the risk of rejection. It’s the men who go from meeting her to trying to grab her ass that get yelled at. Not the kind hearted men who slowly escalate from hugging, to hand holding, to cuddling, to kissing. Here’s a reference for escalation that might help.
In any case, you’re a man now. You can handle ANYTHING that happens. In your heart you should know this.
Anything that happens is OKAY.
You can walk away and meet someone new the very next day.
Knowing this, and reminding yourself of this, should help you grow the courage to just keep escalating!
(Here’s a free video where I explain the 5 Steps to seducing a female friend into a lover: members.datingdynamicsformen.com/product/escape-the-friendzone/ )