Guys, is there a difference between the girls you want to date and the girls you want to sleep with? If yes, then why?
This is a fun question! Here’s how I see it, from my “guy” point of view…
My sexual attraction for a girl can be completely superficial.
This is a biological/mechanical attraction based on my instincts. I don’t need to KNOW her in order to WANT her… sexually.
If you’ve read my blog at all you’d know that I differentiate ATTRACTION from RAPPORT. Attraction tends to develop FIRST in an eventual romantic relationship, quickly followed by rapport.
Attraction is about TENSION. Attraction develops from conflict, opposites (boy vs girl), danger (bad boy), teasing (flirting), and difference.
Rapport is the opposite… it’s about connection, sharing, mirroring, sameness.
It sounds bizarre that we need BOTH of these opposite feelings to develop strong relationships but that’s how it works in the world of romance and dating.
The right about of tension (flirting) and rapport (comfort) creates the magic we call chemistry or what I sometimes call Comfortable Tension.
After that I might develop a deeper emotional connection based on my intellectual and emotional rapport with her, and this only comes after having gotten to know her. If we don’t connect or share “just the right amount” of ideals and such, then I won’t develop this romantic attraction (chemistry).
The perfect girlfriend, of course, is a girl who is attractive physically (where fashion, fitness and body language combine to create her outward appearance) AND emotionally (where her personality and social behaviours seem to make mer comfortable and happy).
BUT there are plenty of young guys who are only interested in how a girl makes him look (do his friends approve, etc) so they’ll date ANY girl who’s physically hot – no matter how bad a match she is. This is a guy seeking social approval and will only see women on a superficial level.
AND we guys have another trick up our sleeves… we don’t need to connect with a girl emotionally before we sleep with her. Many of us can have casual sex without any intent of long term intimacy.
I suspect you get all this already, so here are my final thoughts…
If you’re a girl who wants a guy who’s into MORE than just sex then remove sex from the table until you FEEL the intimacy and connection.
How can you tell?
The guy seeking sex will keep everything superficial… he’ll stick to compliments about your looks and your body and he’ll always be trying to get you into bed as fast as possible. And he’ll be grumpy when you resist him.
The guy seeking a relationship will do more than try to buy you gifts and pay you compliments. He’ll want to have long deep conversations late into the night. He’ll respect any sexual boundaries you provide… and you SHOULD have boundaries… it’ll make him respect you more and it’ll AMP up his attraction for you.
If he’s not truly seeking rapport and connection then he’s likely only trying to GET something from you… like sex or approval or both.
If you want to be the type of girl guys WANT a relationship with… then have clear and healthy sexual and emotional boundaries.
Being the one-night-stand girl makes you sexually attractive because it implies having sex with you will be easy. BUT it also implies that keeping you as a girlfriend will be a struggle (because we’ll assume the next guy will catch you just as easily.)
Being the girl who’s fun AND who keeps guys at a distance, displays that you are selective and have boundaries. This is VERY attractive. Making it had for the average guy to get past your defenses helps display your value, and makes your boyfriend realize you’re not going to be stolen by the next hot guy you meet.
Being selective, having boundaries, and being fun are the most attractive GIRLFRIEND qualities you can display. Plus, of course, being fit and looking your best. 😉