I’m quite concerned about my own case lately so I’d like your opinion. Normally I’m quite open minded, not too shy, very friendly, not perverted, a bit weird from time to time, straight and sensible… I love women a lot but I realize lately that I’m finding myself in the friend zone. I haven’t had a relationship for quite long time, but I’m not really desperate about it.
What is that step, that make you girls put someone in a “friend-zone” or “flirt-zone”?
I’ve lived this nightmare and I’ve seen plenty of other guys fall into this same friendship prison. And here’s the best answer I can think of…
There seems to be two main reasons guys fail here:
1) He doesn’t escalate – usually out of fear and ignorance.
2) He doesn’t create enough attraction – usually out of fear and ignorance.
Most guys who end up in the “friend zone” simply don’t escalate.
Women seem to have a hard time realizing the paralysis we guys can feel when we really like her… and so unless she’s holding a sign that says “please touch me” we guys prefer to error on the side of caution. Of course this is completely wrong.
What many guys fail to realize is that if we’re on a “date” with a girl then she EXPECTS us to try stuff… she may even be disappointed if you don’t at least make an attempt – almost like it’s an insult.
Think of this as part of the unspoken dance we do as boys and girls. It’s our job as men to at least TRY to touch her (it’s our way of showing our affection and deep desire for her) and it’s her job to resistance us (it’s her way of displaying modesty and healthy boundaries). It’s like a game of tug-oh-war that’s only fun if both parties are giving and taking equal amounts. When a guy tries to escalate too fast or too slow it ruins the fun game of push and pull.
It’s okay to want to go slow in order to give you time to read her body language. But you MUST escalate.
When in doubt take BABY STEPS. This means taking tiny little escalations, moving forward each time she shows some comfort with each new type of physical intimacy.
Here’s the basic steps:
Intro: eye contact > shared smile > shake hands > fist bumps > high fives > hug good-bye
Comfort Building: hug-hello > arm in arm escorting her through crowd > touching her lower back to help direct her through crowd > holding her hand to help her out of car or up curb > touch her arm when laughing > sit close enough for legs to touch
Teasing And Flirting: push her playfully away when she makes you laugh or teases you > piggy back ride > tickle fight > thumb wrestle > fake/funny palm reading > lightly touch her chest while holding and inspecting her necklace > brush hair out of her face > smelling her hair > whispering with hot breath into her ear in order to make her laugh and to give her goose bumps
The Final Stretch: Sitting side by side with legs touching > leaning her head on your shoulder > smelling her neck slowly and deliberately > looking into her eyes while lightly brushing her cheek with your hand > Kissing her lips lightly > kissing her neck > pulling her onto your lap while she’s facing you in order to be stomach to stomach > touching the skin on her back while kissing > kissing the rest of her body > etc
As long as you walk her through all of the above types of touch, one after the other, and in order, she’s FAR less likely to act surprised when you go for that first kiss.
Think of physical escalation like this – do it slowly, raise the heat in baby steps, and pay attention to her reaction each time you pass a new boundary, then move back one step to give her time to feel comfortable.
Hold her hand briefly, then let it go.
Hug her when she makes you laugh, then push her away.
Read her palm while warmly touching the soft skin on her hands. Let her know through your touch, how good you are at touching. Then finally, after a happy moment together, kiss her softly. Then let her go like it was completely natural and nice.
Relationships flow through specific stages… Attraction, Rapport, and Intimacy.
You can read an entire article I’ve already written on Attraction here.
The reason many guys end up in the “friend’s zone” is that they completely skip the most challenging stage (attraction) because they’re too focused on the Rapport Stage (connecting, sharing, being friendly.)
And if you skipped the Attraction stage you can’t ever find your way into the intimacy stage (sex, love, romance, etc.)
– You’ve gone on too many dates without having had kissed her yet. More than two dates is too many.
– You don’t tease her. You don’t make her laugh. She doesn’t hit your arm cause you said something too low brow.
– There’s no sexual innuendos, there’s no flirting, no danger of rejection.
The Attraction Stage happens in the first 5 minutes. It’s about teasing her, making her aware that you’re High-Value, not easily impressed, and that you’re still uncertain if she’s as awesome as you hope she is.
Attraction is about building tension.
Rapport is about lessening the tension.
Sexual Intimacy is about pumping the tension up and down… over and over again… 😉
Sooooooooooo… how do you go back and convert a friend into a lover?
You stop building rapport and you start building tension and attraction again.
Cut off all communication suddenly, for a week, or for what ever length of time that she’ll really FEEL the space you’ve created. This helps her “wonder what’s up.”
Then surprise her with a night out with you… dinner, drinks, dancing, then a late movie at your place. Learn the stages of seduction (escalation resources) and seduce her. It only takes one night if you’re already friends, to build huge attraction.
I hope this helps!