After writing my first book I started getting hundreds and hundreds of email dating question, and I started to see the patterns of nice guys who were frustrated and hurt because of their lack of dating success despite how “nice” they were. I know this because I’m a nice guy too… but I’ve found my way through the confusion and I’ve now compiled this Top 10 Reasons That “Being Nice” won’t get you the girl!
(Let me know if I’ve missed something in the comments at the bottom.)
Reason 10: Nice Guys Often Lack Leadership
When you’re busy asking her, “Should I pick you up? Where should we go? What should we eat?” she’s busy thinking, “I don’t care either! Why can’t you just be a man and make a decision for us?”
The Lesson: Stop trying to handle her with kitten gloves, stop following her around like a lost puppy dog, and learn to LEAD. Learn to make decisions, learn to surprise her, and finally stop asking for her permission and approval. Most women are very happy for you to lead each date like it’s an adventure – instead of being asked to drive the bus.
Reason 9: No Back Bone
When she freaks out for no reason, in a rude or arrogant way, and you apologize and tolerate her behaviour. You’re a doormat that she doesn’t respect, but you accept her bad behavior just because she’s hot.
The Lesson: Have boundaries and enforce them. No woman can be attracted to a guy she doesn’t respect. If you let her walk all over you, simply because you’re desperate for her to like you, then you’ve already lost her. Being nice won’t buy her respect, but standing up for yourself will.
Reason 8: You Make Excuses
You sit at home pouting that you’re not rich enough, or thin enough, or pretty enough to meet and attract the type of women you really want. This prevents you from walking over to the women you see, simply because you’ve already assumed you’re not good enough. And while you’re sitting there hating the “bad Boy” who’s talking to her, he’s thinking, “she’s cute, but is she worth my time?”
The Lesson: You need to understand this if you ever wish to “pull” your dream girl – her preferences don’t matter. If women only dated pretty boys with money, most women would be single.
It’s not how you LOOK that matters, it’s how you make her FEEL that matters. There’s a huge difference between being GOOD LOOKING and LOOKING GOOD.
Reason 7: Being Nice Triggers “Friend” Feelings
When you’re saying, “Wow, you’re just so beautiful. Sure I’d love to give you a hand. What time do you need me and my buddies at your place to help you move? Can I pay for it?” she’s thinking, “Wow, this guy is super nice. He’s going to make a really good friend.”
The Lesson: You can’t simply “super-size” how nice you are and expect she’s going to suddenly choose to become attracted to you. Attraction isn’t about how nice you are, it’s about how attractive you are.
If you’re realizing now that you’re acting like all the other nice guys, then do yourself a favour and learn about attraction (unconscious emotional response.) You’ll discover that there are many subtle ways you can turn her on, and being SUPER NICE is NOT one of them.
Reason 6: You Spill Your Guts
Instead of taking your female friend out (who you’ve secretly had a crush on for years), to have fun, drinks, and a possible bedroom adventure, you’ve decided that taking action is too risky, and have chosen the logic of a hand written love letter explaining all of the deep desires you have for her, and how you plan on ultimately sweeping her off her feet. Basically you turned creepy out of fear of being too aggressive.
The Lesson: Love letters and other over-the-top romantic gestures have way more power when she’s already attracted to you and you’re well into a relationship – not BEFORE you have a relationship. This is just creepy. Taking action, and leading her on a fun dating adventure with you is WAY MORE POWERFUL than using words. You can’t logically convince a woman to become attracted to you, but you can influence her body’s emotions while with you. Bring her mystery, adventure, and fun and she’ll start to FEEL things…
Be a MAN and take ACTION!
(Follow the specific steps in my video course!)
Reason 5: You’re An Emotional Vampire
In your desperate attempt to connect with her you dump all of your deep emotional stories and drama on her lap, hoping she’ll see how sweet and vulnerable you are. Instead she feels like your mom.
The Lesson: “Bad Boys” keep their core insecurities and emotions all bottled up and hidden, and this can be very intriguing to a woman who thinks they can get into his soft goey centre. He becomes like a puzzle she needs to solve.
To be attractive you should find the middle ground between being open and honest while keeping your deep emotional upsets hidden until long into your relationship.
Allow her in, but do it slowly over time – not within the first 5 dates.
Reason 4: You Pedestalled Her
You keep showering the hot waitress with compliments and attention hoping that it will finally buy her affection when her real interest is in the bad boy at the bar who barely notices her.
The Lesson: Putting a girl on a pedestal while showering her with gifts and praise is nice – and most women love this – but she simply can’t feel attraction for you from up there.
If she can’t respect you (and how could she from way up there) then she can’t feel attraction for you. The typical “bad ass” doesn’t waste time trying to raise a woman up: he spends time taking her down a few notches. Instead you need to find a middle ground where you can be playful and tease her like she’s nobody special, while NOT being condescending, rude, or insecure.
Being “nice” isn’t a way to barter for her attention. You can’t trade your approval for hers – it doesn’t work that way. Instead you need to see her as equal to you, if not slightly less. Force her to work her way into your good books and she’ll thank you for it.
Reason 3: Seeking Her Approval
You ruined the most perfect date by ending it with a hug and by saying, “So, am I your type? I really had a great time! Can I please see you again?” which sub-communicates to her that you’re too insecure to risk kissing her, and that you need her approval to feel good about yourself. The bad boy doesn’t doesn’t seek her approval which ultimately fascinates her.
The Lesson: Any action that you take that communicates “I need your approval” will kill her attraction. She wants to feel that you can handle yourself in any given situation, even if things are going bad (that includes having a date with her where she’s not happy with you) so asking her anything like “how am I doing” will scream to her the success of this date is completely in her hands. The “bad boy” doesn’t worry about whether she had fun or not: he is only concerned with his own fun.
It’s better to just kiss her, if you feel like it, and deal with the consequences. It’s better to leave her wondering if you enjoyed the date and will call her again, because it puts you in her thoughts. You might want to know what she’s thinking about you, but never ask.
Reason 2: She Doesn’t Have To Earn Your Interest
When you meet a really attractive woman you become unduly obsessed with her, convincing yourself that she’s the one when you don’t even know her yet. This intense focus of attention will only make her realize that you’re superficial (you don’t even know the REAL her yet) and that you’re a little unstable. Giving her too much credit without any effort from her lowers your value in her emotional body.
The bad boy allows her to convince HIM of her worth, thereby helping her to feel she’s earned his attention and affection, and she will ultimately find him more rewarding to be around.
The Lesson: We don’t value anything that’s free. If you give her all of yourself just because she’s pretty, then what does that say about your value? It tells her you’re superficial, that you’re not worth much, and that any next hot girl will gain your attention just as easily. If, instead, you assumed high value, and really took your time getting to know her before you start showing her your deep affection then she’ll FEEL that and she’ll appreciate you WAY MORE. Make her earn your high opinion of her.
Reason 1: You’re Trying To Manipulate Her
Ultimately you’re acting nice around her because you’re trying to manipulate them. You probably don’t even realize it.
Instead of saying what you’re really thinking, you’re editing yourself because you’re worried about offending her, turning her off, or losing her interest. By allowing her to walk all over you, take your time, money, and energy, you’re expecting her to return the favor through her attention and affection. You’re asking her to exchange her approval and energy for your attention, gifts and affection.
You think that you can trick her into liking you by pretending to be that Romantic Hero who treats his woman like a fairytale princess – except you demand her attention, affection, sex and love in return for your payments.
This is called manipulation.
The Lesson:The bad boy doesn’t waste a woman’s time by being fake. He’s upfront about his thoughts and opinions, and ultimately comes across as authentic, even if he’s a little bit of a pig. Ultimately she’ll avoid the “jerk” because he’s selfish and self-centered.
Women are more likely to trust a pervert who’s honest about it, than a nice guy who’s only pretending to be nice.
How do you know if you’re being nice or just being fake?
Do you give a girl compliments because you want a “thank you” in return ? Do you give a girl gifts and attention with the expectation that she’ll appreciate you more for it?
When you expect anything in return for your “good deeds” then you’re trying to manipulate her through your actions.
This isn’t authentic niceness.
It’s fake and creepy.
Women don’t want “bad boys” even when they’re attracted to them – they want honest, sincere, fun guys who are nice BUT who also have backbones and who value themselves more then some random girl with nice tits.
P.S. Want to learn more about getting the girl? Watch my video course 🙂