Mailbag Question: How Do I Know If I Love Her?

I received this email, which I respond to while reading it… this guy sent me a question about his relationship and his feelings… please see my reply to him below:

(Robby) Hey Jonathan! Please see my comments below. 🙂

(Jonathan) Hey Robby Whats up :] ?

Just doing some writing at my local mall (It’s 8:40am)… this food court is empty except for a sprinkling of old people. It’s awesome!

I had a few questions, but first off I want to say that me and my girlfriend are on a break.

Sorry to hear that.

I know it sucks but it had to be done, I hurt her feelings and she has to take time to think about our relationship, as well asm give me time to get my shit together.


What had happened was, I usually take my anger out on people when I feel a sense of pressure coming down on me (the pressure was coming from everything else not her).

Ha, that’s a shitty response! I hope this is just you being honest instead of resigned to this reaction to the world.

Ideally I recommend we men always stay composed no matter what shit’s happening. But I can relate… a build up of frustration can make anyone snap. I’ve found that the most powerful inner skill I’m always working on is “don’t take things personally.” That way I don’t feel pressure from other people… because their expectations of me don’t ultimately fucking matter.

The only expectations that matter are yours.

That might sound cold, and obviously swearing makes me sound angry… but what I’m implying is that there’s a world of peace to be found when you can ignore other people’s expectations.

Realize that they aren’t living in your shoes so they don’t have any right to demand anything from you that you’re not willing to give. So let others try to pressure you… ignore it and smile.

When you are lying in a grave one day do you really think it’s going to matter what someone else wanted from you? All that will really matter is the loving relationships you had while you were here on this earth.

It’s all about having perspective. That’ll help you let go of all the small annoyances that don’t matter.

She tries to make it better but I’m just too stubborn to listen to anyone, especially her, because my self value is very low.

Girlfriends are great because they want to nurture us when we’re in pain… the problem is that we dudes have these egos that hate when girls try to do things for us, or try to fix things we should be fixing ourselves. It’s our curse… but it’s something I am always working on. I hope you do to.

What do you mean when you say your value is low… do you mean you’re simply feeling like you’re in a funk and unmotivated? Perhaps depressed? Low self esteem, etc?

It takes a wise man to recognize himself that way, so you’re likely a stronger man than you think.

Give yourself some credit.

Realize that we all get sick or weak. We all face challenges that come unexpectedly. And so we can’t always feel powerful and strong.

Sometimes we need to accept that life kicks our ass and we need to rest. Take a break. Know what I mean? That doesn’t make you weak or of low value. Ever. That simply means that you need to take a step back from life and catch your breath. It’s okay to lean on friends and family sometimes. It’s okay to feel like shit.

Take a moment, gain some perspective, reconnect with buddies and family, and slowly allow yourself to rebuild your strength.

Think about your self esteem like your muscles.

Your muscles don’t actually get stronger when you’re in the gym pumping weights. When you weight lift you’re actually damaging and stressing your muscles.

It’s only when you’re resting and sleeping (for days later) that your body recovers and get’s stronger. And your recovery comes from rest, diet, and time.

If life sucks then rest. That’s when your self esteem can recover and grow stronger. 🙂

So she decided that we should take a break from eachother, and so we did.

That sucks but that’s likely what she needs. Perhaps your stress is making her stressed. We do that to our partners when we least expect it.

I don’t know if it’s a red flag to question whether I love my girlfriend or not. She’s my first girlfriend, so how would I know if I truly love the girl? I use to love another girl before her, but she was never my girlfriend, I guess it was a “admiration because I couldn’t have her type of thing”.

I have a strong opinion about this kind of thing.

Do I Love Her?

Love isn’t real and doesn’t matter. Don’t let it determine who you end up with.

We all mistake the ideal concept of love with excitement and life long commitment, etc. It’s basically the word we’ve come up with to explain explosive emotional feelings regarding someone or something. It’s almost like the opposite word for terror or panic. They are both emotional extremes. And guess what? They are both useless and don’t rely upon logic.

Maturity is about using BOTH logic AND feelings.

Some people have panic attacks because their bodies have created a deeply rooted emotional response to stimulus or triggers. Ussually associated with some life event, like rape, or drug overdose, or what ever. I had panic attacks years ago related to my body’s response to using ephedrine. I had panic attacks when night time showed up because that’s when I had my first attack.

Love is the same thing. We create this inner emotional response based on a traumatic emotional response to someone or something, except those were happy feelings instead of fear.

And this hurts us.

This hurst us because we ignore logic and become the victims of our emotions.

Imagine a dude having deeply excited emotions towards some girl he liked. And every time he saw her he felt those same excited feelings. She now triggers his excitement. And, thanks to hollywood, he glamourizes his feelings by calling it love.

Now every girl he ever dates get’s compared to that first girl. Except he’s not using logic… he’s comparing how he FEELS.

That’s totally unfair to each new girl because some women are GREAT for us and are GREAT partners, but because they don’t have any need to fight or challenge us emotionally we simply don’t have the same emotional response to her.

Basically I think it’s mistake to chase “love” in a chemical sense. Obviously the beautiful women who’s kidna interested in you will be FAR more appealing to you emotionally because her slight disinterest will trigger your body’s desire to chase her… like a cat chasing a string. It’s in our genes to chase. It fires up our emotions and makes us FEEL more for her. But that doesn’t mean she’ll ultimately be a better lover or wife.

Life decisions like long term girlfriend or wife should be based on MORE than how you FEEL.

Feelings don’t use logic.

If feelings were logical we wouldn’t over eat, or smoke, or rape.

Sorry for the rant.

Here’s my point. Don’t feel fret just because this current girlfriend doesn’t get you fired up all the time like some past girl you couldn’t get. Instead use BOTH your head and your gut.

I feel at peace when I am with her,I don’t worry about anything or anyone. I feel like I can completely be myself around her, with no limitations. I feel like she is my biggest fan, my biggest support system next to my own mother. Maybe that is love, im not sure, you tell me.

Love is just a word. It’s the meaning of the word that’s got power. Sometimes love means EXCITED EMOTIONS.. and sometimes love means DEEP CONNECTION.

What’s important is what you WANT from a sexual relationship partner. Emotional excitement? Or deep comfort and rapport?

I tend to think that I can increase my emotional excitement anytime I want… by creating friction or playful teasing. But creating rapport naturally is more rare for me. I prefer my girl to make me feel unjudged and loved without condition. From there I can spike the excitement when I feel I want to.

But that’s my preference. You need you’re own preference. I know lots of guys who just want hot girlfriends because they get lots of love and support from family and friends and therefore don’t need their girlfriends to provide deep rapport.

Sometimes I confuse it for lust though, I get so turned on around her. Even when we are not planning on having sex or anything, I just get really turned on. she doesn’t mind because she gets turned on too but still, there’s a time and place for everything, am i wrong? Furthermore; the sex is amazing so are the casual blow jobs, and the little favors I do for her as well.

That’s great, it sounds like you are growing good relationship skills in those areas. Keep in mind that these are all things you can develop with the next girl, should you need to. Don’t build this one girl into a fantasy that nobody else will compare to.

Her personality is a bit different from mine. she is really quiet, however I am really talkative (so she mostly listens lol). Even though I am talkative, I am more of an introvert, I rather stay home and relax rather then going out to party, and shes the same way.

Me too.

Sometimes I can be an extrovert but it varies. I’ve broken her out fo her shell, she was extremely timid when I met her, now shes alot more comfortable around people and in her own skin. She has a little more success holding in her emotions, I on the other hand wear my heart on my sleeve. We’ve been together for 15 months, we’ve had alot of arguments but we worked through them and didn’t hold anything against eachother, probably until now ://

Arguing isn’t a bad thing. But HOW you argue is. When you end up fighting to make the other person wrong, or to hurt them, it’s a relationship killer. So keep that in mind when you get amped up during an argument.

She’s grown so much, but im so scared to grow in this relationship. I feel like im holding myself back, shes not holding me back at all!, its me. if anything she wants me to be a success and show everyone what i got. But, i’m so scared of success because of the baggage it brings.

Success doesn’t bring baggage, it brings challenges that an introvert might fear… social recognition, social exposure, etc. That’s something you will regret later in life if you let the fear of success hold you back. It’s okay to feel worry, just don’t let fear make your decisions for you. Growing up has growing pains. But it’s worth it!

I’m scared of changes because it might split us apart, even though we’re not fairing all that well right now, its still a fear that i possess. i have this fear that she’s going to cheat on me.

Have you ever talked to her about this? Showing a girl your vulnerabilities is a great way to strengthen a relationship. Plus it might help give you perspective just to say the words.This fear also shows me how much she matters to you.

She has NEVER showed me signs of cheating, but I believe that she will find someone better me.

This is just you trying to make logic from your current emotional state. Like trying to shop for healthy food when you’re starving. Don’t try to make sense of the world when your’e feeling shitty. Just don’t do it. Instead work on changing your emotional state.

If you’re feeling jealousy or fear that’s the worst time to figure out WHY. Like I said, emotions don’t use logic. Instead wait until you’re in a happy place, like after a great workout or meditation or nap.. .then use that healthier perspective to reflect back on why you might have felt a certain way.

I guess my fear comes from stories told to me by my friends, things that i’ve observed, stupid ass movies, the fact that women can EASILY get away with it, and the fact that this is her first relationship.

See? All the things you just said were dumb. Girls that are timid or shy don’t cheat. Ignore all that stuff.

Sometimes I ask, am I what she really wants??

It’s only okay to ask yourself this question after you’ve asked yourself, “Is she what I want? Do I love her?” That way you’re a strong man looking to make himself better (at least in her eyes) instead of an insecure man looking to find a reason that he’s a loser.

Another orgin of this fear comes from that girl I use to love.

I’m ignoring this, see everything I wrote before.

Even though we weren’t together, she said she really wanted to be with me. Then later to find out that she was seeing someother guy behind my back, its something that simply scared me.

Judging the next girl based on a previous girl is called “pre-judging.” or Prejudice. It’s ignorant.

Sometimes it’s better to be cheated than to not trust.

I also feel that if you are away from someone for too long, they feel obligated to cheat more.

Maybe for you, but not the people in my life.

I really don’t like underestimating the libido a female, its just as powerful as the males.

Women don’t cheat for sex, they cheat for attention and approval.

She doesn’t even talk to guys, except me, I forbid that in our relationship.

Dude, that’s so weak. I’m starting to think she deserves a more balanced man… someone who’s not so insecure that he tries to control who she can talk to. A happy and secure guy doesn’t worry about his girlfriend talking to other guys or meeting new people because he knows two things… 1) he’s too awesome for her to cheat 2) If she wanted someone else then he’d be happy to see her with someone better suited for her needs, allowing him to meet someone better for his needs.

I don’t like her telling me about guys who tried to flirt with her either, it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

You don’t like feeling uncomfortable?

Tough shit, that’s what being a man requires.

Knowing that other men find her attractive is a GREAT thing! It helps keep your attraction for her fired up! I love seeing guys that want my girlfriend… it reminds me that I’m awesome at picking girls, plus I like seeing other guys jealous of my girl. ( I cover all of the secrets of building attraction in my Video Course )

So bottom line Robby am I really in love with this girl? I feel like I am. I’m pretty sure she loves me too but lately this has just been overwhelming on her and I. Do the things I said reflect from someone who actually loves their partner? Or is it just prolonged infatuation or lust.Tell me what you think Robby�

I would I went to one of my closest friends but I don’t want them to tell me things I want to hear rather than the truth. 🙂

Take Care!

I really do appreciate the honesty, and my comments above are just straight out my brain, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Maybe next year I’ll have different opinions.

Like I said before… Love doesn’t matter. Relationships are always changing and they are either getting stronger or weaker, and that all depends on you and how you handle conflict.

You sound like you need to take a rest from trying to be everything to everyone. You’re just a man like me. You sometimes need rest.

Find a way to settle yourself down from life’s drama. Get some perspective and relax.

Remember that one day you’ll be dead. So define what’s really important with the small amount of time you have.

I think that in life the only things that really matter are the people we have relationships with, how we treat them.

Learn how to empower yourself by not taking other peoples opinions personally, and thereby controlling your reactions to them. It’s easier to like people when you don’t care what they think of you.

Weed out people who bring your stress or negative mindsets. Even family if you have to.

Then those people left you should give your heart and love.

Here’s a secret I believe… the only love we feel is the love we give. And so I don’t waste my energy by giving it to people I feel don’t deserve it (unless I’m feeling super happy, then I give to everyone.) That way my energy and love is invested in those people closest to me. And guess what? They return it.

Thanks for being super honest and open with me! I hope you’re feeling better soon and keep in touch!

~ Robby


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