Is she the boss of you? The Dynamics of Holding Hands …

The dynamic of your relationship is completely exposed by how you hold hands with your girl.

I’m not a writer. At least I don’t see myself as one, and lord knows I barely passed high school English, so when I’m told that my blog posts are too long it surprises me. Looking back I can see that your criticisms are well founded. I tend to blab too much. So this blog post will be my attempt at brevity and to-the-pointed-ness.

I want to perform a science experiment. And by science I mean Google search, and by experiment I mean find-photos-that-support-my-suspicions.

Will this blog end up in a peer-reviewed science magazine?

Mom says no.

Will it provide you with a piece of the puzzle that is Dating Dynamics and therefore a significant step towards greater success with women and dating?


She the boss

Why do couples hold hands?

To connect: [ New York Times article ]

Because it’s natural: [ Otters holding hands ]

For healing: [ Reuniting Online Article ]

Good reasons for holding her hand?

There are two major reasons to hold her hand when you first start dating:
1) When you’re leading and protecting her (helping her through the paparazzi, around the club, across the street, or into your vehicle.)
2) When you’re bonding. This is either during the honeymoon phase Honeymoon Phase of your relationship or after you’ve already had sex.

Bad reasons for holding her hand?

1) To dominate and control her. It communicates to her that you don’t respect her enough to let her make her own decisions. It also indicates that you’re so insecure about your relationship with her that you refuse to allow her to operate independent from you. This is sad. Don’t be this guy.
2) To tell other men she’s your property and off the market. These are the guys who are always watching which other men are looking at their girl. His insecurity is that she’s going to find someone better, and she probably will. Women like dominant men, not domineering men.

Hand Holding also indicates who’s wearing the pants in the relationship

I did a quick Google search and didn’t find any hard evidence to support this theory but I’ll pretend like I did. When you see couples holding hands you can always tell who’s the ‘man’ and who’s the ‘woman.’ The person’s who’s hand is on top, or infront, of the other’s hand is the leader.

Understanding women in relationships

Most women, and I’ll generalize here because it’s my blog, prefer a man who leads them. He leads her to safety, leads her to fun, leads her away from danger, and leads her onto their next adventure together.

If you’re not willing to walk in front of your woman while holding her hand (as a wall of protection against the dangers of the world or simply because you’re leading her from one place to the next) then she’ll unconsciously FEEL your weakness and possibly feel frustrated with you.

(I go into deep details on the dynamics of touch and escalation and seduction in my new online video course, check it this week and get 50% off now! Click Here. )

Hollywood couples

Don’t believe me?

Here’s my extensive research in the matter:

David Beckham and Tom Cruise and George Clooney

As you can see these leading men are setting the example.

How about two Alpha’s like Bratt Pitt and Angelina Jolie? This one is more tough:

David Beckham and Tom Cruise and George Clooney

Here are some more examples:

Johnny Depp and Seal and Jason Bateman

Will Smith and Keith Urban

These are interesting…

Ellen Degeneres and George Bush

Here are two couples that didn’t last… for some reason… you do the math.

Madonna and Evangeline Lilly

In Conclusion…

Early into your first few dates find any reason you can to lead her by the hand. Perhaps you’re helping her out of the car, to your table in a resturant, or through a crowded room. This helps you frame the rest of your relationship VERY early. Plus this will invite her to trust you, and to follow you. As an added tip; if you’ve taken her hand to lead her somewhere be sure to release it before she does.

That’s all I got.

~ Robby

P.S. Don’t be like these guys.

Madonna and Evangeline Lilly

[ Hot Chicks with Douchbags ], [ The Angry Lobster ]


22 thoughts on “Is she the boss of you? The Dynamics of Holding Hands …

  1. Ty379 says:

    Hi love your "non" research research on holding hands. It seems to make a lot of sense. I too have been looking into hand holding theories. I am trying to find out what does it mean when the held hands are in the middle or more towards one person than the other. Hope that makes sense? Cant wait to see what you find out..

  2. Lyka says:

    I stumbled across this after I googled hand holding out of curiosity. I noticed that in most relationships I see this is the case–the man (in an opposite-sex relationship) keeps his hand in front. In my own relationship, though, it's the opposite, and I never thought about it as different than anything else until recently. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years and were good friends for several years beforehand. Our relationship is very strong. I don't see either of us as the "dominant" one in the relationship; neither one of us makes all the decisions or takes the lead in activities, we'll switch back and forth between paying, etc. I don't like the mentality of a man having to take the lead because he's a guy and I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself but at the same time there are certain things that I really do rely on him for. For example, I have a disorder that causes me to have chronic night terrors and it takes me quite a while to recover. He's the one who can pull me out of them and absolutely becomes my protector at those times. But it's actually uncomfortable for both of us to hold hands with his in front. When we first began dating we did this and we both realized very quickly that it felt weird and wrong and we switched. We've held hands with mine in front ever since. This is certainly an interesting thing to look into but I don't think it's something that can be studied just by looking at photos. I think you'd really have to look at both the relationship and the individuals themselves to really determine anything–and even so, relationships are so varied I don't know if a connection between hand holding and certain relationship dynamics could ever be actually determined.

  3. miisha says:

    Hi Ive been searching an answere on this one . Ihave a male friend who is maybe the most stubborn guy i know. He isnt good looking hes not loud and energetic. He isnt a macho looking guy. He keeps his shirts and suit pants till theyre worn out before changes them. He even dresses daggy in that he tucks every shirt in. It doesnt really suit his tall thin 6ft structure. He lives in a small unit which he shares with the owner.
    On the other hand he is polite he speaks well. Opens the car door for me.
    We met at work and he knew i had two jobs and he started bringing in food for me and trying to ask me out. I tried to be nice and took the food but not attracted to him in any way. He actually repulsed me. Not my idea of a man for me. However looking back he offered to help me with a financial matter and stupidly i felt i had to give back. I ended up in a fight with brother n mother of mine and no where to go I was bullied out. This guy was ok for me to stay with him. But I hated it because he everyday i was there he wanted a relationship. I worked a day job with him. Then a night job until midnight. He would sit on sofa watching tv and taking my phoyo as i went off to my nite job. He knew i was tired and didnt want a relationship but he would insist on it. It got so stressful i also took on a weekend job and a few months later moved out. But before I did I had to move out of his room and slept on the coach. I just couldnt stand to be near him at the unit or at work. I thought he may have a mental problem because he never seemed to get NO even when i stuck it on a stick it note on his forehead. After I moved out he called me until I made him sign a piece of paper not to.
    Anyway we didnt speak for three yrs until I had to get out of a violent situation with my brother. I went out of the house i was in with my mum and i still pay for that house but i am living in my car 8 wks now until mum agrees that she give me 48 hrs notice before brothers are there if i go back into the house. She has not done it yet. In meantime I contacted this guy again as he was only one aware of family violence ive been thru. I met up with him as a friend only and he says he totally understands me now. He knows i cant take intimacy because i want friendship only and because of my familys effect on me. Ive now been associated again with him about 3mnths but although i mean it and never show i want a relationship i have to keep reminding him Not to try and hold my hand. It is something i hate. But esp from this guy. He does everything like spiny ..its so light and delicate. Even his attempts to hold my hand. Next time he tries i will take note if he wants to lead or Needs to be led. I think its he needs to be led. He is kind of nice in ways but this is beyond irritating. Is this because he is just stubborn and is pushing himself at me all over again. I say this because when i was at the tiny unit with him where he rented a room from the owner one night as i was sleeping on couch he tried to push a ring on my finger that he said belonged to his mother who passed on. I got angry and threw it back at him. He has no home …no bank account saved up and I was working a night and day job and weekend job.
    Sometimes he is very robotic and stubborn that i think he has a mental problem accepting NO to attempting to hold hands..or is he an opportunist of my delima hoping i will give in.?… I am waiting on my situation to improve so i can move away from him completely. I feel bad in a way because that seems inevitable eventhough we have some good conversations and he has been helping take care of my cat. I have to keep reminding him that I just need a friend. And that i may never marry because of what ive been thru. He has also tried to kiss me. I laugh it off and turn away or blow a loud raspberry. Sometimes its all too much and i get angry telling him im sick of reminding him we are only friends. He apologizes..i ask why i have to keep reminding him. He promises i wont have to remind him again. Its doing my head in and I am not showing any signs of wanting more than friends. SO WHY DOES HE KEEP TRYING TO HOLD MY HAND?

    • Robert Belland says:

      You situation sucks and I'm sorry to hear it. You should be proud of yourself for the great efforts you're taking to make your life better, including running away from the dangers in your life. Unfortunately this guy is also a danger and needs to be avoided at all costs.

      The problem is that we guys understand that escalation and consistency tends to get us what we want. This guys figures you're good enough friends that he can wear your down until you say "sure, lets try dating."

      Basically we teach people how to treat us. When you say "no stop asking" he's hearing "not yet, keep asking."

      So using logic with him isn't going to work. You need to simply ghost from his life. You don't "owe" any guy your intimacy. So don't fall into that way of thinking. It's perfectly okay for you to disappear without a trace, because you've spent way too much time saying no.

      Now you need to get out and live somewhere else asap. Otherwise you're gonna end up being his human skin lamp shade.

      We can't know what motivates people to do crazy things, and this guy is clearly ignoring your boundaries. All you can do now is stop worrying about being rude, and disappear. Create physical distance to keep yourself safe. If he text's just block his number.

      Get yourself safe! 😀

  4. Abbie says:

    Loved this post. I only happened to google hand holding as it related to children who you would like to trust you (palms facing up) because of some trauma they experienced, as opposed to a parent holding their child's hands (palms facing down/ in front), and came up with this.

    I'll keep it in mind for the future where men are concerned though.

  5. dave says:

    Interesting article. I have a feeling that the arm on front is, as another reader mentioned, may have something to do with with who is taller. Though for some, it may be a matter of who wants to be dominant. I've always dated confident, accomplished, women. I've always been dominant in the bedroom, but otherwise respect my other half's accomplishments and strengths. Again, it depends on the people involved. But for me, being supportive of each others individuality and strengths, is what makes a good relationship. I realize, some women like to be dominated, and I do take charge when I feel it's necessary, as does my girlfriend. In my mind, if you want someone you can always be the leader with, have a child.
    What drew me to this site was an interesting conversation with my girlfriend last night as we were walking and holding hands. And a similar observation with a former date, that the woman's thumb usually winds up in front. Otherwise, it just felt weird in both cases, for both partners. Also, please note, that in both cases my arm was in front. Again, partially, at least because I am taller. Now, one consideration we discussed is that both women were mothers, and maybe this has to do maternal instinct. Maybe, and not a big deal. I'm, by the way raising a child on my own.
    Lastly, let's face it Tom Cruise probably has some issues. Starting with his height, that he's probably compensating for. Also, with all the bullshit that Hollywood feeds us; I wonder if these people are coached on how to present themselves to the public when being photographed. Let's not forget how macho and masculine America's leading man Rock Hudson was. Some of the worlds great leaders have been women. Women, like men, can be smart, accomplished, aggressive, all by themselves; and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, if you are confident in your masculinity. I particularly like it when my girlfriend jumps on top from time to time, and takes the reigns. Besides, I enjoy the view.

    • Robert Belland says:

      This is amazing feedback, thanks Dave. Hopefully I wasn't implying that only men can lead, or that only men should dominate their hand holding in this way.

      I mainly wrote the article to help guys who were … less than confident … to find just one more tiny step at being "manly" for their woman. A way to be a leader even if just in a tiny way.


  6. David says:

    I think the observations here a close but are missing a much simpler explanation for hand positions. Generally the taller person will hold their partners hand on top. When the smaller partner is on top, extra pressure is placed on the forearms of both partners as the shorter persons arm presses down on the taller persons. When the taller persons had is on top the shorter persons arm is able to hang more naturally at their side.

    • Robert Belland says:

      This is a great point, thanks David.

      Or could it be that almost always the taller person is the person with the most power in the relationship?

      Here’s an example where the shorter person is dominant:

  7. Brianna Gilliatt says:

    I think holding hands is one of the most nicest ways to show affection, sort of. I personally only held one guys hand. I have a crush on this, ” best guy friend” I want to hold his hand, but what if he rejects me? Anyways, now a days teens and young adults are attached within days of dating.

  8. Louise says:

    I think men who are constantly ahead with the woman behind tethered by held hands looks like he' dragging a puppy around. I know a couple late-30s/40ish who are constantly attached to each other. I keep wondering if she has a personality of her own or if she is allowed to. When we're at group parties, picnics, etc., she's never on her own. She's always connected to him by the hand holding thing. Frankly, I would prefer to see her step aside and have an interesting conversation by herself rather than appearing just as an appendage to him. I think it can also be the sign of an unhealthy relationship and that he could be quite controlling. I'll have to check out the hand positions though as she could be the controller.

  9. Chelsea says:

    That's pretty interesting. I also was trying to find some reason for it, and I came across on your blog. My curiosity came a few weeks ago when I was holding hands with a guy I started seeing. He grabbed my hand from the back, and it felt very uncomfortable and weird. So I told him I did not like having my hand in the front, so I switched. I personally do feel a sense of protection, but I don't think it necessarily means being a leader for the person "leading" in some cases. I prefer to take the co-pilot seat and boss the "leader".

    • Robert Belland says:

      Thanks for the comment Chelsea! You're right, the hand position doesn't necessarily dictate leadership. And I do think it has something to do with protection. The one walking in front protects the one behind.

      I know I've had this challenge with my own girlfriend… she loves it when I hold her hand, with mine in front of hers, but because she's so high energy she tends to try to walk ahead of me… like pulling me forward simply out of her energy to get somewhere fast. It makes me laugh and I tease her about it.

      Great comment. 😀

  10. Wooly says:

    Totally agree with your 'it's the small things' comment. I'm a little laid back (not a push over), and I especially have to watch out for it with the accomplished/active/go-getter types – like calmly holding the door for the lady as we enter a restaurant, then she bolts for the desk and starts to take charge, which is clearly the man's duty. Not to mention snatching away an opportunity for me to demonstrate selectiveness as I ask for something specific (quiet table, in the window, etc). She's looking for signs of me being a man and simultaneously, and unconsciously, subverting me. I've had to take to gently, but firmly, holding my date by the back of her outfit as I move in front, and will usually give her a 'settle down, missy', or related comment on my way by. Has actually given me the chance to handle the situation, and ever so slightly dominate her at the same time, which my high self esteem dates seem to love!

    • Robert Belland says:

      That's so great. I've also met plenty of women who are required to act more assertive and masculine in their day jobs (Doctor, Manager, etc) and so I've seen what you're describing – a woman being overly masculine without her knowing it. Perhaps it's just that she can't get out of her "work" mode into her "girly, I'm with my man now" mode. So being patient and even MORE masculine (composed and assertive and unmovable) in order to help her relax into her "feminine" mode (submissive, expressive, flirty.)

      But there will also be SOME women who are just simply masculine by nature (and yet who are not gay) and who will always be more attracted to submissive feminine types (artists, musicians, etc.)

      Either way it sounds like you've nailed it!

    • Mary says:

      To be honest though I'm not really an assertive type but some men just don't step up when there's clear opportunities for them to be a man. Your situations sounds a bit different, it seems like you are aware of when you're supposed to "act like the man". For other guys though once you've made the impression on a girl that you're not an assertive leader it's almost impossible to change her perception of you.

  11. Lyn says:

    I am totally on board with your observations, Robby. I totally dig it when my boyfriend takes my hand in his, and his hand is on top. Add to that walking on the curbside, and I know an alpha male when I see him. When we cross a street, he guides me in front of him, takes my other hand in his other hand so he remains curbside. When we get to his car, he opens the door for me. Call me old-fashioned, but I find this totally hot. ~Lyn

  12. Robby says:

    It's the small things that happen throughout a relationship (that go under the radar) that either inspires her attraction or kills it. Either he's leading and providing her the safety of his presence, or he's following and draining her with his presence.

    I suspect there are some relationships where this is reversible – the women provides the masculine energy and the man provides the feminine – but this is a small segment.

    Thanks for the comment!

    ~ Robby

  13. Pat says:

    Like your idea Robert makes for some deep thinking but I'm not convinced that holding hands one way or another denotes leadership, but you could be onto something.

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