How do I get the courage needed to get a girl’s number or to even ask out a girl?
There seems to be so many attractive girls in this world but the problem is with me. I do not have sufficient courage to approach a girl easily at the age of 22, and to ask her out.
I’ve been single my whole life for this simple reason, I want to change but do not know how to do so.
I would really appreciate your help in this situation… which leads me to sadness, and sometimes depression.
I feel so weak, please help me to become stronger in order to reach the happiness that I deserve like everyone in this world.
I watched a video clip of a young magician ( Derek McKee ) who was asked about being nervous and he said “I don’t get nervous before a show, I get prepared.”
That says a lot doesn’t it?
I think you’re nervous because you’re focused on the wrong things and you’re not prepared for all of the tiny baby steps that happen between seeing a girl, meeting her, talking to her, touching her, and making a date.
I recommend two things… Education and Experience.
1) Learn the baby steps.
Sit down and read a couple articles that explain all of the very tiny steps from looking at a girl, to walking over to her, to your body language and vocal tone and eye contact, to making small talk, to making her laugh, to touching her arm/hand/elbow, to telling her about the awesome donut shop around the corner that she should join you at.
(I produced a video course that goes into great depth on escalation, check it out with a huge discount here.)
You’re in your head too much when you’re fearful about who she is and what she’ll say… so learning the baby steps will help give you a structure around which you can operate. Once you know what you should do and say you’ll relax.
This happens in two places.. in your head and in your body.
When you’re most relaxed and happy day dream about meeting a girl somewhere specific and walk yourself through the interaction, how it’ll look and feel, and what you’ll say… what she’ll say… and how it’ll feel. And do this all the time.
This is a very safe and painless form of EXPOSURE THERAPY. It just means that by exposing yourself to nervous situations, even if they’re in your head, it’ll teach your body that you’re not going to die… and you’ll relax.
Overtime your fear will disappear.
Once you’re okay with meeting girls in your head, it’s time to meet PEOPLE in your body. This just means forcing yourself to be more social. Picking up women is exactly the same as being a friendly social person. So teach yourself how to make friendly small talk with strangers.
And not just women, everyone!
Men, women, children. Ask people how they’re doing, what time it is, how they like that frozen pizza they are buying, etc.
This is the fastest way to get good with women… by being good with people.
Do this every time you’re out.
For the rest of your life.
First of all, thank you for having taken the time to write such a constructive opinion.
I’ve been reading tons of articles over the internet this last year, trust me on this… however, none of them helped me to overcome my fears of asking a girl out.
I should add that I had difficult times in high school which make it harder to me to interact with people now. Yes, I was bullied for years.
I went over the link that you provided me, which has some interesting stuff in it. I’ll take my time to read the articles that are directly related to what I’m looking for.
Nevertheless, I do not know if after reading all of these it will help me to get out of my comfort zone. I’ve been weak for the past 22 years, I don’t know how it is going to change now.
In addition to that, I have some personal issues. Such as accepting myself physically. I only look at my flaws instead of looking at the positive sides that I own unfortunately.
ROB’S FOLLOW UP
Ah, that’s fair. I recognize that “knowing” what to do logically doesn’t change how it “feels.”
All I can say is this… I’ve had many moments of low self esteem growing up and I know that taking chances feels the worst!
BUT… self esteem doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s cultivated, nurtured, and grown through purpose and hardwork. Even the most beautiful men and women don’t have self esteem without effort.
It’s built like a muscle. Sometimes personal growth is forced upon us like an unexpected death in the family, or an unplanned pregnancy, or divorce, etc. Life’s tragedies, both big and small, are helpful at forcing us to change to meet the challenges.
BUT we can also build ourselves up from nothing through tiny baby steps. Reading and gaining knowledge helps a tonne.
But nothing replaces hard work… even if it’s tiny and slow.
Self esteem simply means you have esteem for yourself. You know and trust yourself. It doesn’t mean the rest of the world knows and trusts you. So if you’re waiting for women to suddenly give you love and approval then you’re doing it wrong.
You have to give YOURSELF approval and love…. then others will follow.
To continue… I don’t know you well enough to know your stumbling blocks. But I can tell you this… you’re letting how you “feel” dictate your decisions. And that’s what will keep you stuck.
Why do fat people stay fat? Because they don’t want to feel hungry. They don’t want to feel nervous or anxious about other aspects of their lives… they’re seeking distraction. Emotional distraction usually. They don’t want to feel the pain and struggle of a hard workout, or of feeling hungry.
Success comes from the struggle. From the pain. The obstacle IS the way!
So if talking to women scares you then you should be doing it as often as possible, all the time.
Notice I didn’t say you need to be asking women out all the time… no need to jump so far ahead. Simply start small by teaching yourself how to talk to women without asking them out. Just talking to women will show you that you’re not going to die if they don’t like you. And over time you’ll discover that other people are interesting… they all have stories you’ve never heard. And you have stories they’ve never heard!
So start by talking to people. All people. When you talk to people you gain perspective and experience. And you’ll discover you’re more interesting than you thought.
How do you make people think you’re interesting?
You ask them to talk about themselves.
Everyone loves talking about themselves.
And be truly curious about them. It’s easy. And will make you FEEL better about meeting new people. And that’s the biggest step!
Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate the efforts that you do for a stranger like me.
I will try to get out of my comfort zone, and take the risk hoping that I will be able to face it this time.
I’ll try to talk to more people, and see where all these things will lead me. Anyways, it can not be worst than my current situation.
Hoping that I’ll be able to build the self esteem I’m looking for, thank you once again
Don’t think about self esteem or confidence like something you have to get or find or grow. Instead realize that we are born full of confidence… but slowly we learn to fear things, and we become more focused on avoiding pain and falls instead of enjoying the things we’re good at. Being confident is about a lack of insecurities.
So challenge those negative beliefs you’ve accepted about yourself. They are almost surely madeup and useless. And as you remove each of these past ideas about yourself you’ll find that you natural nature is to be calm, composed, happy and confident.
One generic idea I used to have was that girls had to like me in order to be attracted to me. And yet so many girls chased the bad boys… which made me realize that was a false idea.
Imagine the worst case scenario, and realize you’ll survive it just fine. A woman doesn’t like you? That’s not your business, that’s hers.
We are not that accumulation of other people’s opinions, unless we choose to be.
Wow this is so inspirational, I mean here now I can feel a huge boost in my confidence only by reading what you wrote.
I’ll try to stop to live in the past, and move forward in my life toward the path of happiness.
Thank you so much for your help, I will never be able to express my gratitude.