I’ve been thinking about Attraction and Rapport over the past few days…. but first, let’s review:
Attraction is emotional excitement. It’s about tension. It’s about breaking rapport and creating emotional reactions. Without creating this internal drama within a woman’s body it’s hard to gain a woman’s attention.
Rapport is about comfort. It’s about sameness. It’s about connecting and coming together. It’s about sharing similarities and feeling safe and cozy.
I’ve always seen these two aspects of human romantic involvement as opposites:: Attraction is about tension and Rapport is about comfort. But are they REALLY opposites?
Maybe I’ve been wrong.
I used to think that FIRST you create attraction (teasing, flirting, playful pushing her away) then you create rapport (conversation, sharing stories, secrets, hugging, touching, cuddling, showing vulnerabilities.) And I’ve always thought that if you don’t include the attractions phase you simply end up in the friend-zone because your girl will only feel close without the romance.
I recently had lunch with a wise friend (he’s written Yoga Wisdom For Modern Living) and just being around him made me rethink my ridged definition between attraction and rapport.
Imagine for a moment, a guy who is deeply honest, open, sweet, caring, loving, and receptive. He might be called a true “sweet heart” or a “nice guy” or even just “charming.”
Let’s say that this guy doesn’t tease, or flirt, or banter. Let’s say that he simply creates deep and instant rapport. I can imagine being around him would invite women to open up and want to instantly relate with him. And being open, feeling unjudged, and free to be vulnerable around someone, can feel incredibly comfortable and safe and nice… and MAYBE even attractive!?
It occurred to me that it’s totally possible that any girl might find him attractive… at least in a warm and happy way. Like an old favourite blanket.
But how can he be attractive without the flirting, teasing, or playful banter!?
Well I’m just delusional enough to imagine how this might happen, mostly because I have my own experiences being the vulnerable nice guy who tends to create instant female friends (except without the romantic aspect.)
I know it’s possible to create instant rapport with a woman by throwing out all the regular bullshit conversation and by instead being completely open, honest, sincere, vulnerable, yet loving, happy and “sweet.”
This can be really “charming” because women are incredibly empathic (which makes them vulnerable to whatever emotions we’re exuding.)
If you’re feeling happy you can infect a girl with it.
And so something NEW occurred to be yesterday while washing my hands in a restaurant bathroom yesterday – creating deep rapport might, all by it’s self, be attractive.
This very thought blows my mind, even though I’m now suspect any girl already knows this.
Let me write it again:
Creating deep rapport can be attractive all by it’s self.
Why have I been so reluctant to think like this before?
Because I used to ALWAYS end up in the “friend zone” when ever I created rapport with my female friends, so I naturally ASSUMED that my lack of regular Attraction Tactics (teasing, flirting, playful banter, tension) was why there was never any romantic interest.
But I think I was wrong to try to make rapport exclusive of attraction.
So why weren’t my female friends attracted to me before when all I was doing was building rapport?
Because I wasn’t escalating or leading.
But Where’s The Tension?
Until now I would never suggest a guy use only rapport to create attraction within a woman’s body… mostly because I assumed it couldn’t. But if I open my mind a little I can see how this might work…
When I was creating female friends with deep rapport I always walked away feeling rejected when these same women didn’t share my same levels of attraction. And I became very gun shy of rapport. Especially when I really came to appreciate how tension can build attraction REALLY fast.
But let’s imagine Mr. Charming again… a dude who doesn’t use the typical tactics of teasing, flirting, or playful banter. Without using Cocky Comedy (thanks David DeAngelo!) where might a woman’s attraction buttons get pushed? If he’s not being playful then why doesn’t she find him boring?
Because leading and escalation can build tension:
- Creating deep rapport quickly can be startling and completely unexpected. That can make a woman feel tension and nervous. She might even say things like, “You know, I NEVER tell someone I just met things like this!”
- Trust feels good. Being able to trust a guy (rapport implies trust and comfort) can feel sooo different and soooo good… how many guys know how to BE open, sincere, and honest in the first 60 seconds of meeting a woman? It invites a woman to lower her guard. I think most women are soooo used to the Social Mask men wear that they keep their guards up when first meeting a man.
- Leading is attractive. Remember, I said Mr. Charming is nice, but I didn’t say he’s a pussy. I can imagine a super confident guy, who uses only rapport, would still lead. He might take her hand and lead her across the room. He might take her hand and lead her around a dance floor (cowboys are great at this) and I can imagine Mr. Charming could simply lead her right back to his place.
- Escalation. Mr. Charming can presumably escalate too. Being “nice” does’t exclude sexual escalation… like touching, kissing, and wild reverse cowgirl.
And there’s an entire movie about a guy who does exactly that! He doesn’t tell jokes. He doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t really seem to flirt or tease. All he does is exude honesty, confidence, and rapport.
In my book Ignore And Score (and video course ) I talk about four main aspects of successful dating for men: Building Attraction (tension), Building Rapport (comfort), Leading, and Escalating. I think that still works perfectly.
Except I can now see how deep Rapport can be combined with leading and escalation to generate attraction all by it’s self… without the need to some of the more common tension builders like teasing, playful banter, and role playing.
But you should always think of playful tension as a flammable excerlerant you should include in your arsenal of dating skills. 🙂
Any insights or thoughts you want to share?